10/12/15:

Mornings are a reminder that my life is still moving without him. The pain is so unbearable. It's like learning how to live your life with a part of you that's missing...and knowing you'll never be the same again. The worst part is the guilt...the helplessness i feel as a mother that I couldn't do anything to help him.

And then the night settles in and the silence makes the pain unbearable. Sleep is a temporary escape and waking up is a painful reminder of the new reality that my life is going on and he's not here. Man this hurts.

Even after all the comforts given to me of Heavenly Father's love, His promise of eternal salvation, my family here on earth, my husband, my son, a wonderful mother on this same journey that I finally met...after all these comforts-- I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I can still feel the infinite depth of its cavity. A void in my being that can never be whole once again. Its the inevitable that drains me. Its the truth that hollows my heart. What else is there to do...

The moment I turned to God's good graces he has blessed me. He knows I can't do this alone. Therefore he has shown me all the special people in my life to help me through this search for peace, for comfort, for strength and will power. People like my family, my church leaders and its members, my sister friends and a sister brought unto me through our mutual tragedies. Even after all these glorious blessings, yes, I can still feel the pain. There is no stronger love than a mother has for her child...there is no stronger pain than a mother feeling helpless unable to save her child from the grips of death. To lose him and be destined to spend all the remainder of earthly life without him. Oh yes this pain is burned into my soul. I know the fire will never cease.

But I do have faith and with faith comes hope. I know this is not the end. I know I will be with my baby once again in a beautiful Heaven where the fire will finally be extinguished and the memory of its burns non-existant. Until then, I will still feel the hurt. I will always be incomplete in this life. Yes I will learn how to live with this hole deep inside of me but I will never forget it. And right now, while the pain is so very raw to the flesh, I hurt tremendously.

3 weeks

Today marks 3 weeks without my son. Today was also the first time I was ever alone.

My name is Alyssa Sivaivai Sheffet. I have a husband, Bill Sheffet, and two beautiful sons: Kekoa Sivaivai who is 5 years old and Wesley Sheffet who went back to our Heavenly Father at 3 months and  7 days on September 14, 2015. A day I will never and could never forget.

Wesley was born June 7th, 2015 at 8:27pm at 19 inches and 8.7 lbs after 3 days in labor. My connection with Baby Wes was instant the moment he was placed in my arms as he took his first breaths. With my first born I was young and had some emotional challenges throughout my pregnancy due to a break up. I did not immediately bond with Kekoa but I did love him. I had to work towards that bond as I was a young, struggling, emotionally distressed single mother. Kekoa taught me how to be a mother and how to change my life as a mother. Bill soon after came into our lives and loved my son as his own. When I was pregnant with Wesley I had what is called, "2nd Child Syndrome." I thought how could I love another child as much as I love my son. So when Wesley was born all was silent in the background and all I could see was him. I fell so deeply in love with him the moment I felt his gentle body clinging to my chest as he took his first breath of air. Everyday from then on I always promised him I'd take good care of him and will love him forever. Although he was my 2nd son he gave me so many new experiences. The immediate connection was first. Then came the dedication of breastfeeding. I never went back to work and held him as much as I could.
From the moment we left the hospital Wesley never took a nap. He always stayed awake and only wanted to nurse. It was difficult to balance two young children during the hottest summer in Portland as well as daily activities including eating. Wesley took up all of my time and most of my attention. Kekoa was such a great big brother and adored Baby Wes. He never got jealous and always kept quiet if Wesley was sleeping even when I had to remind him several times that he was. Baby Wes was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was so proud to be the mother of two beautiful precious boys. Wes loved bath times and loved to sit up or stand and look at his surroundings. He was so alert and I always called him nosy because he would never stay in one position. The only way Wesley could go to sleep was if he was nursing and that was also the only way that he'd stay asleep too. He was up majority of the day but he would sleep through the nights as if he was catching up on his naps. I always told him stay perfect forever son, please don't grow up too fast. Who would have known that I would be eating those words for the rest of my life since the morning of Sept. 14th, 2015. To make it brief, because even in solitude I don't like to think about that day, Wesley took his last breath in his sleep. Literally, it was the worst day of my life. The day where your worst fears come to life, no plea to escape this condemnation of lifelong pain and everlasting grief. My beautiful baby left us to go to Heaven. To this day its still unreal. To this day I still am numb in some parts of my heart. It was shattered like glaas into a million pieces and would never be the same again. There was so much family around to support us and literally pick us off of the ground. Nobody knew what to say or do as my husband and I cried from our emptiness. In that moment of grief when everything was making me realize my son was truly gone, I knew I had to make it to heaven in order to see his beautiful face again. I knew I had to change my life and turn to God if I wanted to see my son again. He was ripped from my arms too soon. I couldn't even think about killing myself because then I'd truly abandon my son, both of them. Heaven was now my eternal goal and my number one priority. To live God worthy lives and raise our family in such a manner that we would have the assurity of eternal salvation together. It was only in this promise and the hope to see my son again that truly provided me comfort. Everything of this world tells me my son is gone, it is the substances not of this world that told me jts not over yet.

To be continued...

10/5/15 - I was having a really hard day. I went to visit Wesley at his resting place and just talked to him for a couple of hours. The things I ended up saying to him brought me comfort and the ability to carry on with the rest of my day. Before I left I had to write down all of the things that I said to Wes so that I wouldn't forget it:

~"Heart must break for it to be healed. It's a sacrifice to our Lord."
~Even greater mother now
~Daddy so strong, best daddy. Good man. Deserves good loving wife. I will be. I can say sorry more. 
~Wes still brings me joy. 
~Baths in heaven? 

Wes loved bathtime <3

~Hope to share this blessed feelings w family when I am ready to share and when they are ready to receive. Share by example. 
~Be kind to my parents. 
~Be there for Kekoa i told wes i will. 
~So lucky. So blessed to have had the opportunity to spend every day with him.
~God loves me. He knew what it would take for me to notice him and so glad I did. This feeling i will no longer miss out on. His love i will no longer take for granted. 

~Pride got in the way. I always knew this was true church. [I wasn't] ready to give up "fun" stuff. But his blessing and this taste of happiness better than any substance. 
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive. 
~Feels good to talk to wes. 
~Barrys mom. Help each other. 
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good. 
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction. 
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween? 

Wesley's pumpkin

~Sorry i cried when casket went down. Just wanted to see and be apart of every moment with you just like i always have. 
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him. 
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.

~Told wessy about me and daddy disagree about plots (I wanted to buy our graves already so we could have a spot close to Wes before someone else took them.) Bill wasn't ready and got upset that I kept pushing the idea on him when he has enough death on his mind. I disregarded his feelings because I wanted to buy them right away and didn't want to miss out on the promotion that they had for plots. So I also was upset with Bill because he couldn't understand how important it was to me. Then I just walked away and said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father what should I do...and immediately a quote from President Thomas S. Monson came to my mind: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."  I will always remember this quote and this moment when my prayer was immediately answered. I apologized to my husband right away and realized that he needed my support more than I needed to buy the plots near my son. I felt so much better as soon as I let the problem that needed to be solved go.

~Help daddy (Bill) help our family. Be nice and loving. Being strong is not easy esp for your spouse. And he is doing it. Big respect. So thankful. Never been more thankful. 
~Love is the answer.

Perfectly Wesley

There are no words
That you or I can say
To describe this pain
To make it go away

There are no people
No one of this earth
That knows exactly how I feel
That knows exactly how I hurt

No medicine, no doctor or drug
Can heal a mother's heart
My child I can no longer hug
From this world did he depart

No air could satisfy my lungs
As my heart was strangled in my chest
Begging for this reality to be undone
Was like the sun rising from the west

Dark waters of disbelief filled my womb
And it consumed my body whole
Drowning within this darkened tomb
There was no reviving this soul

Emmersed in still black waters freezing
My blood slowed to its darkest blue
Lips once full like the lushest green
Now trembled in its faded hue

Behold a whisper divided this sea
Pierced it with a needle of light
"I know how you feel. Trust in me."
The words spoken of Jesus Christ

"Love me for I love you,"
His spirit so clearly said
"Follow me and I will guide you
Turn to me your head

"Open to me your ears,
Brighten for me your heart,
Trade my love for your twinkling tears
For I will make them into stars

"Sweet mother your lamb rests with me
In mine own arms he sleeps
I love him as you do, my child
I am the shepard to my sheep

"Trust in me for I do promise
My words proclaim my love
I will guide you to peace and solace
Eternity in my kingdom above."

I cried, "Father, my arms are empty."
He replied, "Daughter, you are not alone
Families can be together forever
And embrace eternally in my home."

These are the glorious words
The words that weakened my fears
That brightened up my broken heart
Like the stars made of my tears

He warmed my freezing fingertips
As I said I will follow thee
When comfort eased my shaking lips
God said, "That was Wesley."

Oh my son, my love be still
Thank you for showing me the way
Your purpose on earth fulfilled
The Lord will not lead me astray

Now there is but one word
Our Heavenly Father has made it so
He made you perfect as you entered
He knew you'd be perfect when you go

Our family will be perfectly eternal
Our father perfectly promised me
My son you are perfectly beautiful
You are Perfectly Wesley

For my son Wes
Love, Mommy