And then the night settles in and the silence makes the pain unbearable. Sleep is a temporary escape and waking up is a painful reminder of the new reality that my life is going on and he's not here. Man this hurts.

Even after all the comforts given to me of Heavenly Father's love, His promise of eternal salvation, my family here on earth, my husband, my son, a wonderful mother on this same journey that I finally met...after all these comforts-- I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I can still feel the infinite depth of its cavity. A void in my being that can never be whole once again. Its the inevitable that drains me. Its the truth that hollows my heart. What else is there to do...

The moment I turned to God's good graces he has blessed me. He knows I can't do this alone. Therefore he has shown me all the special people in my life to help me through this search for peace, for comfort, for strength and will power. People like my family, my church leaders and its members, my sister friends and a sister brought unto me through our mutual tragedies. Even after all these glorious blessings, yes, I can still feel the pain. There is no stronger love than a mother has for her child...there is no stronger pain than a mother feeling helpless unable to save her child from the grips of death. To lose him and be destined to spend all the remainder of earthly life without him. Oh yes this pain is burned into my soul. I know the fire will never cease.

But I do have faith and with faith comes hope. I know this is not the end. I know I will be with my baby once again in a beautiful Heaven where the fire will finally be extinguished and the memory of its burns non-existant. Until then, I will still feel the hurt. I will always be incomplete in this life. Yes I will learn how to live with this hole deep inside of me but I will never forget it. And right now, while the pain is so very raw to the flesh, I hurt tremendously.