3 weeks

Today marks 3 weeks without my son. Today was also the first time I was ever alone.

My name is Alyssa Sivaivai Sheffet. I have a husband, Bill Sheffet, and two beautiful sons: Kekoa Sivaivai who is 5 years old and Wesley Sheffet who went back to our Heavenly Father at 3 months and  7 days on September 14, 2015. A day I will never and could never forget.

Wesley was born June 7th, 2015 at 8:27pm at 19 inches and 8.7 lbs after 3 days in labor. My connection with Baby Wes was instant the moment he was placed in my arms as he took his first breaths. With my first born I was young and had some emotional challenges throughout my pregnancy due to a break up. I did not immediately bond with Kekoa but I did love him. I had to work towards that bond as I was a young, struggling, emotionally distressed single mother. Kekoa taught me how to be a mother and how to change my life as a mother. Bill soon after came into our lives and loved my son as his own. When I was pregnant with Wesley I had what is called, "2nd Child Syndrome." I thought how could I love another child as much as I love my son. So when Wesley was born all was silent in the background and all I could see was him. I fell so deeply in love with him the moment I felt his gentle body clinging to my chest as he took his first breath of air. Everyday from then on I always promised him I'd take good care of him and will love him forever. Although he was my 2nd son he gave me so many new experiences. The immediate connection was first. Then came the dedication of breastfeeding. I never went back to work and held him as much as I could.
From the moment we left the hospital Wesley never took a nap. He always stayed awake and only wanted to nurse. It was difficult to balance two young children during the hottest summer in Portland as well as daily activities including eating. Wesley took up all of my time and most of my attention. Kekoa was such a great big brother and adored Baby Wes. He never got jealous and always kept quiet if Wesley was sleeping even when I had to remind him several times that he was. Baby Wes was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was so proud to be the mother of two beautiful precious boys. Wes loved bath times and loved to sit up or stand and look at his surroundings. He was so alert and I always called him nosy because he would never stay in one position. The only way Wesley could go to sleep was if he was nursing and that was also the only way that he'd stay asleep too. He was up majority of the day but he would sleep through the nights as if he was catching up on his naps. I always told him stay perfect forever son, please don't grow up too fast. Who would have known that I would be eating those words for the rest of my life since the morning of Sept. 14th, 2015. To make it brief, because even in solitude I don't like to think about that day, Wesley took his last breath in his sleep. Literally, it was the worst day of my life. The day where your worst fears come to life, no plea to escape this condemnation of lifelong pain and everlasting grief. My beautiful baby left us to go to Heaven. To this day its still unreal. To this day I still am numb in some parts of my heart. It was shattered like glaas into a million pieces and would never be the same again. There was so much family around to support us and literally pick us off of the ground. Nobody knew what to say or do as my husband and I cried from our emptiness. In that moment of grief when everything was making me realize my son was truly gone, I knew I had to make it to heaven in order to see his beautiful face again. I knew I had to change my life and turn to God if I wanted to see my son again. He was ripped from my arms too soon. I couldn't even think about killing myself because then I'd truly abandon my son, both of them. Heaven was now my eternal goal and my number one priority. To live God worthy lives and raise our family in such a manner that we would have the assurity of eternal salvation together. It was only in this promise and the hope to see my son again that truly provided me comfort. Everything of this world tells me my son is gone, it is the substances not of this world that told me jts not over yet.

To be continued...