Yes through all of this pain that I am already in there is such thing as salt to my wounds. Since the 2nd day after I buried my son my dad has constantly been encouraging me to relocate Wesley's belongings from their original position. After Wesley was born we moved in with my parents since I would not be working until our renovation on our basement (at Bill's parents house where we usually live) was completed. Therefore all of my son's belongings made settlement at my parents house. I've told my dad from the initial time that he asked me to move them that I was not ready. To me, it was too soon. To me I wasn't ready to move forward. I didn't want to not see his things not there anymore because it means he really is gone. I'm not dumb...I know my son is no longer physically here, I had to bury him. But could that just be it? Could letting go of my son just stop there? Why did I have to let go some more?? His physical things are all I physically have left of him...they are as precious to me as he is. I didn't want to box him up, hide him, put him away. I didn't want things to change more than it already has. Now, after we had the funeral we no longer stayed at my parents house because it was just hard for my husband. He had no reason to be at my parents house anymore. I followed him because I needed more than anybody in this world. He kept me together, he held me when I fell apart, he reminded me of what's in store for us. He would remind me that there's still hope.
Well, as the months went by my dad could not stand my son's things being there. And I just could not fathom his things out of its original position. I wanted things to stay as Wesley left it. I mean...atleast give me some time. My dad was bugging me about it 2 days after my son's funeral and on. I felt like he wasn't giving me a chance to breathe. A chance to figure out how to move forward. A chance to figure out how to live. I felt pressured, I felt forced, I felt that he didn't care. He says it's because it's his house and he wants his space. He told me if I wanted to keep Wesley's things there to pay him rent. He doesn't understand why I'm just struggling with life period. He wanted me to just suck it up and move on. He says that I choose to grieve...I choose to be sad and to miss him and to struggle. When I tell him it hurts and with disgust he says "That's just your feelings." All of my life my dad wanted me to be someone I'm not. My dad says it's tough love, but growing up I felt no love. He said I wouldn't be alive if he didn't love me. Anyways, feelings were a sign of weakness to my dad. And I as his daughter was not allowed to have feelings. Growing up I could never be true to myself. If my feelings were hurt, there was no such thing. So truly I'd be hurt, but I couldn't say or do anything about it because my dad wouldn't allow it. He'd put me down, call me fat, make comments about my looks. Tell my mom I didn't deserve anything. Couldn't call my friends, couldn't have friends call me. And to my dad everything I did is because I did it for attention. Even as a 25 year old mother who lost her 3 month old baby, he labels my grieving as attention seeking. That I go to the cemetery everyday to get sympathy and attention. This is all coming from MY DAD. And my family tells me..."are you surprised? You know how your dad is." And honestly, yes. I am surprised. I didn't even question my dads compassion when it came to the death of my son, his grandson. I thought he was going to be there for me. The week my son died my dad was the dad I've always needed. He was gentle, held me as the medical examiners took my son away, told me it's going to be "ok." Then after the funeral that dad that I never saw before I never saw again. It was back to tough love dad. And no one can understand why I'm so upset with him. I just thought that he wouldn't want me to hurt more than I already am. How can you not be in a crazy storm after you lose your child. I know no one in my inner circle understands how I feel...but can you understand that it hurts?? My mom has always been the referee between my dad and I. Yes, I got to the point in my adolescent years that I just could not take the abuse anymore. I could not stand being kept in a box and kicked while I'm in it. I am his daughter. His only daughter that he raised. His only child that he raised. He says I always talked back and disrespected him. And yes it is true. But my dad has "hated" me since I can remember. I remember when he would visit my mom, brother and I in Hawai'i and I remember that I hated him being there. He always looked at me like he hated my face. He always was smacking me around. Never got a hug, never a kiss goodnight. Who wants to feel hated 24/7? Especially by your dad. So I couldn't take the abuse anymore, I started to talk back. I started to defend my "feelings" that they were real and that they matter. But no. They will never matter to my dad. To this day they will never matter. SO. Yes, my feelings get dismissed by some. Even my cousin/best friend/sister growing up has dismissed my grief saying that I "choose" to be in pain. Yet she is not even a mother nor has ever been in love. So there are multiple parts of her heart that she hasn't even discovered yet. But it still hurts that she could and would dismiss my grief when I thought she was going to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. But no, she says don't show her my problems (I told her my dad moved my sons swing without telling me, which he did and it hurt.)
It just sucks that the people that I love, the people of my blood can kick me when I'm down. They have no idea how hard it is to navigate through grief. It's like being born into a new world and there's no one to show you how to walk...but they can hold your hand. It's just unbelievable that there is such thing as people who don't want to hold your hand...the ones you thought would never let you go. It's a struggle. There's still so much more to write that has been said and done for you to understand how intense the salt on my wounds are. It's like throwing salt on my gash and then stepping it in as if you were stomping out a cigarette. It's like drowning and your trying to make your way to the surface and someone just grabs your leg and pulls you down making it harder and longer to swim. Some people swim better than others and I'm not sorry that I'm not swimming how you want me to. I'm just swimming the only way I know how which is practically not at all! You can't swim for me but don't deny that I am drowning. I really didn't that I would be going through this. I guess not only losing my son was something I never expected or prepare for but I never expected or prepared for my family to hurt me even more. Some people just tell me to forget them, leave them behind, I can. But it still hurt.
Dismissing my grief is like dismissing my son. Dismissing his things are like dismissing my son. Dismissing me when I want to talk about him is like dismissing my son. Dismissing that I am just freaking sad is like dismissing my son.
I cannot and will not hide my grief just like I did not hide my love. And just because I'm sad it doesn't mean because I am thinking about the day he died. No. It's because I'm living in the present day without him. PERIOD. I am just trying to find my footing in this life I know nothing about. I know nothing about the future. I only know my present and my past. I don't know who I want to be yet because I don't even know where or who I am. I'm so confused about everything. I can be super happy one day and then totally depressed the next. I don't know which part people want to see so mostly I'm alone even though I don't want to be. I just don't want to make people uncomfortable if I say "I'm not okay." when they ask how are you. I don't want to say "I'm okay." and then I can't keep it together for much longer and then I break down or I get overwhelmed by all the "normalness" around me. I just want to talk about my son. I just want to talk about how I'm feeling. I just want you to listen. SOMETIMES. I don't know, I just want you to be who I need you to be when I need it. If I need a ear, be an ear for me. If I need a movie partner, be a movie partner. If I need you to be the one to say it gonna be ok even though you don't know how, then be the one to say it. I know everyone has their own lives, I know everyone can move on better than I can and it scares me. It scares me that my son will be forgotten. My son was my daily life and now I'm out of routine. I just don't know how to do it but I'm trying. BTW, my dad thinks its absurd that I say I'm trying. I know some people are just DO IT people. But so much easier said than done when you just lost your son. I don't think I could ever fully describe what's going on in my brain right now or what has gone on between me and my family the past few weeks but it just has sucked. But after all the fighting I just realized my dad wasn't going to budge for me, so I'm better off taking my sons things out of it's original position and dealing with it than fighting with my dad over my sons things. That's another thing that I hated. Was that we were fighting over my sons things. Like why? WHY? Why??? It's harder for me to move than it is for him to see it. But whatever. I'm at the point in my life where I will take it out of his house. And that's that for now.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
The Bronze Serpent
My interpretation and how it resonated with me:
I remember it was still morning time and the sun was shining through our living room window and I looked at it through our white transparent curtains and I called out to God. It was then that I felt His response and I was given the remedy for my loss. Although I truly believe that I was not being punished for my sins, I know that when my son died God presented me with the Bronze Serpent and all I had to do was to look upon it to be healed. It was simple, just like the Israelites had to look unto the Bronze Serpent to be healed, I had to trust Heavenly Father to be healed. I had to change my life and become the person He wants me to be. The Bronze Serpent is the knowledge of the gospel, I just had to accept it with all my heart to be healed. The Bronze Serpent means all of the lessons and teachings of Christ, the prophets and the Apostles, for these things help to heal me. The Bronze Serpent is like having faith, and with this faith comes the hope that I needed, and with hope I can be healed.
The Bronze Serpent is the soft spoken words of the Holy Spirit, I just have to listen to be healed. And now that I am listening, it's whispers are so clear; I had to go back to church, I had to obey the commandments, I had to endure to the end. In order to be healed, the Bronze Serpent told me I had to do my temple work and make and keep sacred covenants, I had to be sealed to Wesley for all time and eternity so that I may be with him again. The Bronze Serpent is all the knowledge that I have and will have in this life that will make being with my son possible one day, and then when I do get to hold my son again I will be healed.
I do have faith. I do believe that Heavenly Father sent His only son down to Earth for the remission of our sins. I do believe that eternal salvation in Heaven is possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ...and I have never understood or been more grateful for this act of selflessness. The ultimate sacrifice God made was to have His son, Jesus Christ, die for our sins because He loves us so much and wants us to be with Him. Without the Atonement, without repentance, I could not have the hope or the chance to be with my son again. If I hadn't looked upon the Bronze Serpent, I too would be doomed in this life. I probably would have caused my own self destruction. I probably would have killed myself.
When I read the scriptures, learn about the gospel, learn how to be with my son again it gives me so much comfort. It is in these things that strengthens my faith and it's in these things that I know God will heal me. I know this because I looked...
Grief and How it Affects My Faith
Yes, I get angry with God sometimes...I usually have to quickly push that anger out of my thoughts because "I shouldn't think like that." I would worry that if I questioned Him it would be a great sin and my chances of getting into Heaven would be ruined. But in truth sometimes I am angry, sometimes I do admit that one of my biggest fears is that none of this is true. That there is no afterlife, no heaven, no God, no chance of being with Wesley again...crazy right? But to me it's not that crazy. The greatest desire in my heart is to be with my son again, so it makes sense that my biggest fear is that there is no hope left of being reunited...that when he took his last breath that that was literally the end. I'm not saying that that's what I believe --I honestly don't know how people with no faith can live with no hope as their truth--but I do believe that the darkness planted that fear in my heart. There may be times where my anger can cause my faith to be damaged but I do believe that the Lord reaches out to me and mends it. This article helped me realize that it's totally normal and healthy to be angry and to let it out. The best thing I read was the advice this mother was given when someone told her, "God can take it. So tell Him how you're feeling." The article can be found here: http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/havefaith/
Friday, November 6, 2015
I gave my best to Wes
I woke up and cried today. I really miss my son. I still can't believe he's gone. I still wake up every morning and have to endure my heart breaking once dreamland is no longer my whereabouts. But I still haven't dreamt of Wesley. I don't remember dreaming at all. It's like sleep lasts for a second and then I wake up and hours have passed and the real world is my nightmare.
The world looks so differently to me now. Sometimes I feel that life is standing in the way of me and my son. Like I have to continue living the rest of my life and then I will die. Honestly, I can't wait for that day. But I feel bad because life is a gift and I'm so focused on the after life and death. Ideally I'd like to be able to get through this endeavor and become the best person I can be and live the best life that I can. It's hard to do that and be that when you're a bereaved mother. As a mother your children are your world, your reason for existing. To have to live my life without one of my children is devastating. It's unbearable. It's all I can think about.
It's hard to focus on Kekoa. I want to channel all this mothering that I have left in me that was created for Wesley onto Kekoa. But it's hard. I know it sounds messed up but when I had Wesley, I always wanted him. When I was pregnant with Kekoa I was young, I wasn't ready to change my life, I didn't know how to change my life and I was very depressed. I didn't connect with him when I was pregnant. After I had him I tried to bond with him. But I was so caught up in my own world trying to find love for myself that I didn't know how to love Kekoa like a mother normally does. I used to be so jealous of all the pregnant moms that totally loved the person that was growing inside of them. I envied the undying love and sacrifice that they were able to make for their baby. It took awhile for me to connect with Kekoa on that level. In my dad's opinion I never sacrificed enough for Kekoa. Which always hurt me because I thought I was doing the best I could. My parents have helped me take care of Kekoa from Day 1 and my mom loved my son like I wish I could. So I've always felt that Kekoa was more of my parents child than mine. But I know Kekoa loves me more than anyone in this world. I see him crave my attention, my affection, my unconditional love, my presence. I just don't know how to genuinely give it to him. Don't get me wrong I love my son more than anything. I just loved Wesley differently...He needed me more and I wanted to give my all to him. It may sound pretty shitty on my part, but this blog is where I can be honest, and that's the truth.
When I was pregnant with Wesley I didn't know if it was possible for me to love another child like I do my son. But when Wesley was born...a whole new heart grew in my chest. It was the heart I've been waiting for. I finally understood the power of a mother's love. It was consuming my very existance and I was swimming in it. I understood how a mother could sacrifice anything and everything for my little cub. He was the most beautiful angel that ever came from Heaven. I never wanted to leave his side and I didn't. I never wanted to give up breastfeeding and I didn't. Even though I could never produce enough for the demand I still put him to the breast as much as possible. It was such a blessing to be able to provide for my baby. To be his source of nutrition, to be the lullaby that puts him to sleep, to be the warmth that comforted his little body. I barely asked my mom to watch him. If I went for a walk I mostly took him with me because I worried about him being away from me. He couldn't sleep without me. I didn't want him to stress out because he was so tired and couldn't sleep. Even my husband would rush me to get home from the store because he couldn't put Wesley to sleep. I extended my maternity leave for this very reason. I'm so glad I did. I'm so blessed that I didn't miss one day without my son. I've only been away from him for a few hours at the most when I went for a job interview for Horizon Airlines (which I got!).
I didn't fail to tell him everyday how much I loved him. I told him everyday I will always take care of him. He made me so happy, I've never felt such joy. It was so rewarding to do that he needed me to do for him because of the love that I got in return. His face would just light up with so much love when he saw me. He loved me even when my hair was a mess and dark circles under my eyes. I felt so loved.
So the day he was called back to Heaven it was the worst day of my life. I truly believe there's no greater pain than experiencing losing your child--your baby. It's infancy where your children need you the most. They can't do anything on your own. So it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone says "You did everything right. You did everything you could do," yet I still couldn't save him. I can't even write about that day because I don't want to look back at this blog years later and remember the details. But I believe I will never forget anything about that day. It's hard to forget the worst day of your life. I spent weeks blocking it out. Every time it crept into my mind I physically had to shake it out of my head...I didn't want to crawl back into the dark place. I didn't want to remember my son that way. But honestly I feel I remember more about that day and the days after than the days that he was alive. When I think about that time it was suggested to me to think about the day he was born. I'll admit I've been forgetting to do that because I'm so stuck in my dark place that it just blocks out the best day of my life which was June 7th, 2015, his birth day.
I remember being so ready to give birth to him. I was so eager to see what he looked like. I delivered him naturally and it was the easiest birth ever. I didn't feel any pain. He just came right out after about 14 minutes of off and on pushing. I remember the nurses cheering me on saying "GO GO GO GO" LOL. They couldn't get the stirrups out so I just grabbed the back of my thighs and just pushed. As soon as he came out they put him right on my chest and I was so overwhelmed with joy. He was absolutely perfect. He was so warm and was gripping onto my chest...like he was waiting so long to hug me. That moment was priceless. I remember before they moved me to the recovery room I was walking around just minutes after giving birth and the nurses being so shocked at how well I was walking around like I didn't just push out a baby. I showered and put on my robe and had the most peaceful night ever. My life couldn't have gotten any better. I had my husband and my sons and surrounded with love...I was the happiest woman in the world.
It's memories like that that I will cherish for the rest of my life and carry with me into Heaven. I will always make sure my son's name is spoken and never forgotten. My kids will know of him as if he is with us...because he is and always will be. I hope that they will always visit him and their kids too.
I look forward to having more children and to take care of them just as I did Wesley. To raise them and Kekoa in the church. I want to be a better mother to Kekoa, to be the mother that he deserves. But I'm blessed to know that he knows he is loved. My parents and my family do a very good job of that. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me because he is. I'm thankful that my children chose me to be their mom. They're the sweetest angels to have ever blessed my life.
The world looks so differently to me now. Sometimes I feel that life is standing in the way of me and my son. Like I have to continue living the rest of my life and then I will die. Honestly, I can't wait for that day. But I feel bad because life is a gift and I'm so focused on the after life and death. Ideally I'd like to be able to get through this endeavor and become the best person I can be and live the best life that I can. It's hard to do that and be that when you're a bereaved mother. As a mother your children are your world, your reason for existing. To have to live my life without one of my children is devastating. It's unbearable. It's all I can think about.
It's hard to focus on Kekoa. I want to channel all this mothering that I have left in me that was created for Wesley onto Kekoa. But it's hard. I know it sounds messed up but when I had Wesley, I always wanted him. When I was pregnant with Kekoa I was young, I wasn't ready to change my life, I didn't know how to change my life and I was very depressed. I didn't connect with him when I was pregnant. After I had him I tried to bond with him. But I was so caught up in my own world trying to find love for myself that I didn't know how to love Kekoa like a mother normally does. I used to be so jealous of all the pregnant moms that totally loved the person that was growing inside of them. I envied the undying love and sacrifice that they were able to make for their baby. It took awhile for me to connect with Kekoa on that level. In my dad's opinion I never sacrificed enough for Kekoa. Which always hurt me because I thought I was doing the best I could. My parents have helped me take care of Kekoa from Day 1 and my mom loved my son like I wish I could. So I've always felt that Kekoa was more of my parents child than mine. But I know Kekoa loves me more than anyone in this world. I see him crave my attention, my affection, my unconditional love, my presence. I just don't know how to genuinely give it to him. Don't get me wrong I love my son more than anything. I just loved Wesley differently...He needed me more and I wanted to give my all to him. It may sound pretty shitty on my part, but this blog is where I can be honest, and that's the truth.
When I was pregnant with Wesley I didn't know if it was possible for me to love another child like I do my son. But when Wesley was born...a whole new heart grew in my chest. It was the heart I've been waiting for. I finally understood the power of a mother's love. It was consuming my very existance and I was swimming in it. I understood how a mother could sacrifice anything and everything for my little cub. He was the most beautiful angel that ever came from Heaven. I never wanted to leave his side and I didn't. I never wanted to give up breastfeeding and I didn't. Even though I could never produce enough for the demand I still put him to the breast as much as possible. It was such a blessing to be able to provide for my baby. To be his source of nutrition, to be the lullaby that puts him to sleep, to be the warmth that comforted his little body. I barely asked my mom to watch him. If I went for a walk I mostly took him with me because I worried about him being away from me. He couldn't sleep without me. I didn't want him to stress out because he was so tired and couldn't sleep. Even my husband would rush me to get home from the store because he couldn't put Wesley to sleep. I extended my maternity leave for this very reason. I'm so glad I did. I'm so blessed that I didn't miss one day without my son. I've only been away from him for a few hours at the most when I went for a job interview for Horizon Airlines (which I got!).
I didn't fail to tell him everyday how much I loved him. I told him everyday I will always take care of him. He made me so happy, I've never felt such joy. It was so rewarding to do that he needed me to do for him because of the love that I got in return. His face would just light up with so much love when he saw me. He loved me even when my hair was a mess and dark circles under my eyes. I felt so loved.
So the day he was called back to Heaven it was the worst day of my life. I truly believe there's no greater pain than experiencing losing your child--your baby. It's infancy where your children need you the most. They can't do anything on your own. So it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone says "You did everything right. You did everything you could do," yet I still couldn't save him. I can't even write about that day because I don't want to look back at this blog years later and remember the details. But I believe I will never forget anything about that day. It's hard to forget the worst day of your life. I spent weeks blocking it out. Every time it crept into my mind I physically had to shake it out of my head...I didn't want to crawl back into the dark place. I didn't want to remember my son that way. But honestly I feel I remember more about that day and the days after than the days that he was alive. When I think about that time it was suggested to me to think about the day he was born. I'll admit I've been forgetting to do that because I'm so stuck in my dark place that it just blocks out the best day of my life which was June 7th, 2015, his birth day.
I remember being so ready to give birth to him. I was so eager to see what he looked like. I delivered him naturally and it was the easiest birth ever. I didn't feel any pain. He just came right out after about 14 minutes of off and on pushing. I remember the nurses cheering me on saying "GO GO GO GO" LOL. They couldn't get the stirrups out so I just grabbed the back of my thighs and just pushed. As soon as he came out they put him right on my chest and I was so overwhelmed with joy. He was absolutely perfect. He was so warm and was gripping onto my chest...like he was waiting so long to hug me. That moment was priceless. I remember before they moved me to the recovery room I was walking around just minutes after giving birth and the nurses being so shocked at how well I was walking around like I didn't just push out a baby. I showered and put on my robe and had the most peaceful night ever. My life couldn't have gotten any better. I had my husband and my sons and surrounded with love...I was the happiest woman in the world.
It's memories like that that I will cherish for the rest of my life and carry with me into Heaven. I will always make sure my son's name is spoken and never forgotten. My kids will know of him as if he is with us...because he is and always will be. I hope that they will always visit him and their kids too.
I look forward to having more children and to take care of them just as I did Wesley. To raise them and Kekoa in the church. I want to be a better mother to Kekoa, to be the mother that he deserves. But I'm blessed to know that he knows he is loved. My parents and my family do a very good job of that. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me because he is. I'm thankful that my children chose me to be their mom. They're the sweetest angels to have ever blessed my life.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
First Halloween
My husband and I knew that Halloween was going to be hard. All the upcoming holidays actually are going to be hard. When we went to the pumpkin patch in the beginning of October I remembered that last year I was pregnant and I said the next time we come here we'll have the baby with us! It was hard to remember that and not be able to experience the pumpkin patch with Wesley. When Halloween day finally came around my husband was the first one to break down. We had gotten into a little argument because he was just grumpy all day. When I finally called him on it he told me he was really missing our son. I completely understood. I wanted to dress our son up, I wanted to look for costumes...Kekoa wanted to be Mario and his little brother to be Luigi, lol.
Kekoa was Venom for Halloween and I painted my a sugar skull on my face. In honor of the Day of the Dead because my son will always be remembered.
I couldn't resist doing a photo edit of my son in a costume. I fell in love with it! Some people probably would think it's weird that I did that but I still wanted to see my son in a costume and include him on our Halloween escapade.
I'm so glad that I did. It's exactly how I picture my son in Heaven. I wanted to print it and take to Kinko's to get laminated and wear it on a laniard so Wesley could go trick-or-treating with us. But instead I posted it on Facebook. I didn't know how people were going to react but I didn't care. My son is still and always be a part of my life in everything that I do.
Now I want to create one every year for Halloween to see all the little costumes Wesley could be wearing in Heaven. I love you my little Elephant.
Dying Day
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| Today 11/4/15 visiting Wesley after my night shift. It was 42 degrees @ 7:30am. |
During my son's service on Sept. 19th, 2015 my sister and my little cousins sang this beautiful song. It hit every corner of my heart and it brought tears to my ears. I've been listening to this song all day and its like the exact words that my heart would want to sing.
I love and miss you with all my heart and soul, Wesley. I'm still trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life without you.
I love you so much my beautiful angel.
A Thousand Winds
God is so good...
So something pretty amazing happened today. I went to visit Wesley at the cemetery, something I do everyday. I always go because for all of my son's life from the moment of conception to the moment he took his last breath I was always with him. I always want to feel close to him and going to cemetery helps me feel that. People always tell me his spirit is always with me and I don't have to go to the cemetery everyday but I do have to go. I have to go for my own sanity. It helps me start my day by knowing I was there for Wesley. I can't begin my day until Wesley knows I am there, he is not alone. The cemetery feels so peaceful to me and I feel normal there. Nobody feels sorry for me there, I don't have to put on a smiling face for everyone to see that I'm okay, I can cry and not feel guilty about it, I can be free. Be free to be me and be true to how I feel.
Well, today I went to go see Wes. I laid out my mat right next to him like I always do and I kneeled down to kiss his temporary marker, like I always do. I kiss it right on the music symbols that we picked out for the border of his marker. "Music Made Us" is what I always said. My husband and I started dating while we were in a band together. If it wasn't for music we would have never have fell in love, got married and built our family. I always wipe the rain and leaves off of his little temporary marker made of marble. I always trace the engraving of his name..."Wesley Kalamafoni-Sivaivai Sheffet"...such a beautiful name. As I sit there I try to tell Wesley about my day..,sometimes it's a good day and sometimes it's a hard day. Sometimes I just don't say anything, I just want to be near him. Sometimes I fall asleep there. I know it may seem weird but I feel so comfortable there that I can sleep next to my son. I'm usually at the cemetery for a couple of hours, sometimes more. Today I could only stay for a little less than an hour because I had planned to pick up my mom from work. As I was sitting next to my son, staring at the grass that started to brown, I started to get cold. It's usually pretty windy up at Finley Sunset Hills but I normally don't mind. Sometimes I'm so numb that the cold doesn't bother me. Today I was pretty cold and it was the beginning of November in the pacific northwest. A part of me wanted to get up and go back into my car, but a huge part of me told me to stand against the cold...that nothing can keep me from being with my son. I've tried not going to the cemetery but sometimes I can't handle it, I have to be with my son. Sometimes I feel guilty if I don't go because I don't want my son to be alone and I don't want to abandon him. So, no matter the hour, if I haven't gone yet to see my son, I will go. The latest I have gone there was about 10pm until about 1am.
I knew it was getting close to the time I had to leave to get my mom and also it was getting really really cold. With guilt starting to fill my throat I began to talk to my son. I asked him if he wanted me to continue to come there everyday...and I said if not please let me know that you're with me. Let me know that you're okay if I don't come to your grave...I don't know how to feel close to you if I'm not here next to you...please let me know you're with me even when I'm not here. Then I closed my visit with a prayer, like I always do, gave my son's stone another kiss, put my head to the grass to talk to my son through the ground and tell him I love him, then I rolled up my mat and started the long drive home.
I drove home in silence, traffic was pretty bad but I didn't mind. My dad had told me he was going to pick up my mom so then I went straight home and decided to get some sleep for work later on that night. When I parked my car at home I pulled up my Facebook and got a notification that my friend Emi had tagged me in a post. When I clicked on it I saw a video from youtube of a woman singing a song called A Thousand Winds. Her post said that this song made her think of me and that she was praying for my family and I. "How sweet.." I thought to myself. I couldn't hear the lyrics of the song because it was a live version so I looked up the song online. The lyrics popped up and it turned out that it was a poem...when I read it, tears started to fill my eyes. It's like my son was talking to me:
It was amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most perfect poem. I truly believe it was my son's way of speaking to me and Heavenly Father had made it so. I was in such awe of it all. It was moments like this where I told myself there is no denying it, God is real and He does love me. The other day one of the missionaries told me "God doesn't do random." and I believe it with all my heart to be true. He continues to answer my prayers so literally and clearly. I quickly commented on the video my friend posted and told her what I had said to my son at the cemetery and how her poem had come at the perfect time. She immediately responded.
She said that she originally knew this poem from 10 years ago in japanese and today she just couldn't stop thinking about it. She had to drop everything she was doing and find an english version and send it to me. I'm so glad she did. I believe Heavenly Father used her to comfort me. I believe was my son was sending me a message through her. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this experience. I will remember it forever along with this poem. Thank you to my dear friend Emi who had the spirit guide her to help comfort me. Thank you to Heavenly Father for hearing me and knowing my heart. Thank you Wesley for being with mommy where ever I go. I will try my best to disconnect your spirit from the cemetery. I will try my best to not feel guilty if I do not go. I will remind myself with this poem. I still will go to the cemetery but it will be more because it's my place of solitude and peace...a place that you and I will share together. I may be visiting you, but I hope and pray that it's you who will be visiting me. I love you, Wesley. Amen.
So something pretty amazing happened today. I went to visit Wesley at the cemetery, something I do everyday. I always go because for all of my son's life from the moment of conception to the moment he took his last breath I was always with him. I always want to feel close to him and going to cemetery helps me feel that. People always tell me his spirit is always with me and I don't have to go to the cemetery everyday but I do have to go. I have to go for my own sanity. It helps me start my day by knowing I was there for Wesley. I can't begin my day until Wesley knows I am there, he is not alone. The cemetery feels so peaceful to me and I feel normal there. Nobody feels sorry for me there, I don't have to put on a smiling face for everyone to see that I'm okay, I can cry and not feel guilty about it, I can be free. Be free to be me and be true to how I feel.
Well, today I went to go see Wes. I laid out my mat right next to him like I always do and I kneeled down to kiss his temporary marker, like I always do. I kiss it right on the music symbols that we picked out for the border of his marker. "Music Made Us" is what I always said. My husband and I started dating while we were in a band together. If it wasn't for music we would have never have fell in love, got married and built our family. I always wipe the rain and leaves off of his little temporary marker made of marble. I always trace the engraving of his name..."Wesley Kalamafoni-Sivaivai Sheffet"...such a beautiful name. As I sit there I try to tell Wesley about my day..,sometimes it's a good day and sometimes it's a hard day. Sometimes I just don't say anything, I just want to be near him. Sometimes I fall asleep there. I know it may seem weird but I feel so comfortable there that I can sleep next to my son. I'm usually at the cemetery for a couple of hours, sometimes more. Today I could only stay for a little less than an hour because I had planned to pick up my mom from work. As I was sitting next to my son, staring at the grass that started to brown, I started to get cold. It's usually pretty windy up at Finley Sunset Hills but I normally don't mind. Sometimes I'm so numb that the cold doesn't bother me. Today I was pretty cold and it was the beginning of November in the pacific northwest. A part of me wanted to get up and go back into my car, but a huge part of me told me to stand against the cold...that nothing can keep me from being with my son. I've tried not going to the cemetery but sometimes I can't handle it, I have to be with my son. Sometimes I feel guilty if I don't go because I don't want my son to be alone and I don't want to abandon him. So, no matter the hour, if I haven't gone yet to see my son, I will go. The latest I have gone there was about 10pm until about 1am.
I knew it was getting close to the time I had to leave to get my mom and also it was getting really really cold. With guilt starting to fill my throat I began to talk to my son. I asked him if he wanted me to continue to come there everyday...and I said if not please let me know that you're with me. Let me know that you're okay if I don't come to your grave...I don't know how to feel close to you if I'm not here next to you...please let me know you're with me even when I'm not here. Then I closed my visit with a prayer, like I always do, gave my son's stone another kiss, put my head to the grass to talk to my son through the ground and tell him I love him, then I rolled up my mat and started the long drive home.
I drove home in silence, traffic was pretty bad but I didn't mind. My dad had told me he was going to pick up my mom so then I went straight home and decided to get some sleep for work later on that night. When I parked my car at home I pulled up my Facebook and got a notification that my friend Emi had tagged me in a post. When I clicked on it I saw a video from youtube of a woman singing a song called A Thousand Winds. Her post said that this song made her think of me and that she was praying for my family and I. "How sweet.." I thought to myself. I couldn't hear the lyrics of the song because it was a live version so I looked up the song online. The lyrics popped up and it turned out that it was a poem...when I read it, tears started to fill my eyes. It's like my son was talking to me:
It was amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most perfect poem. I truly believe it was my son's way of speaking to me and Heavenly Father had made it so. I was in such awe of it all. It was moments like this where I told myself there is no denying it, God is real and He does love me. The other day one of the missionaries told me "God doesn't do random." and I believe it with all my heart to be true. He continues to answer my prayers so literally and clearly. I quickly commented on the video my friend posted and told her what I had said to my son at the cemetery and how her poem had come at the perfect time. She immediately responded.
She said that she originally knew this poem from 10 years ago in japanese and today she just couldn't stop thinking about it. She had to drop everything she was doing and find an english version and send it to me. I'm so glad she did. I believe Heavenly Father used her to comfort me. I believe was my son was sending me a message through her. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this experience. I will remember it forever along with this poem. Thank you to my dear friend Emi who had the spirit guide her to help comfort me. Thank you to Heavenly Father for hearing me and knowing my heart. Thank you Wesley for being with mommy where ever I go. I will try my best to disconnect your spirit from the cemetery. I will try my best to not feel guilty if I do not go. I will remind myself with this poem. I still will go to the cemetery but it will be more because it's my place of solitude and peace...a place that you and I will share together. I may be visiting you, but I hope and pray that it's you who will be visiting me. I love you, Wesley. Amen.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
7 weeks
So it's been 7 weeks now since I lost my son. I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I have my ups and my downs. Some days are better than others, some days are filled with uncontrollable emotions. Church is absolutely a comfort zone for me. I feel the spirit every time I am there and every lesson that is taught, every testimony that is bared, I feel more and more comforted with the assurance that there IS a God, there IS life after this life, and it IS eternal, it IS salvation, it IS my source of hope.
I have been called as the Primary Secretary for our Ward and it has been such a blessing. Not only do I get to learn along with the children about the gospel and of Heavenly Father's love for us but I also get to keep an eye on Kekoa and learn so that I can teach him that our Savior lives.
Yesterday in church, we had a new missionary speak during sacrament. He referred to a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants that mentions that sometimes Heavenly Father has to break us down to our weakest points in order for us to become the people he wants us to be. I can say that that's what happened to my husband and I. We were hurting so much that no one on this earth could help us, so we turned to the higher power. And although it seemed true and relevant it did make me feel some anger. Like why did it have to be my son? Why was my son used to break me? Was I so bad before? I don't think I was. But I do believe that my husband and I were far from becoming active church members and going to seal our family in the temple. But geez, why did my son have to leave this world in order for Heavenly Father to get our attention? Those were the piercing thoughts that entered my brain. I do not like to think like that, to think against the Lord's intentions, but I guess it's the human in me that feels that way, it's the pain talking.
I find myself constantly asking Heavenly Father for His forgiveness for the things that I feel. Like the jealousy that I feel when I see other mother's with their babies and how full of love they are holding their little ones. The ache that I feel when I see the babies Wesley's age grow and learn to laugh and become stronger just like Wesley would if he was still here. The anger that I feel towards the parents that aren't spending time with their kids...like they don't know how lucky they are to have their kids on this earth with them. Life is not promised and we never know when it's going to end. There is no warning, there is no preparing for it...it must be cherished. I also find myself saying how this is not fair. It's not fair that my sons life was taken away and that he was literally taken from me. It's not fair that I took care of him better than other mother's and yet I feel I'm the one that got punished. These are the feelings that I ask forgiveness for. For the pride that I have, the anger and jealousy that I feel.
I also get jealous when people tell me "I can't even imagine what you're going through. I don't know what I would do." I wish I didn't know what this felt like. I WISH it wasn't happening to me. I wish I was in their shoes where they are unaware that this type of pain and suffering exists. I absolutely cannot stand it when people tell me that it happened to me because I'm strong enough, that I can handle it. I'm like NO I am NOT strong enough for this! I cry everyday...sometimes all day. Sometimes all I know how to do is breathe. I have to continue living my life because that's the only choice that I have! My world is frozen in time but in reality the world is still spinning just as fast as it was before. I get angry when people see how much my husband and have I changed for the better and how active we are in church and they basically say how it's a good thing that Wesley went to Heaven. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but it does hurt. I'd rather have my son here with me of course. I'd rather not have experienced burying my 3 month old baby. I'd rather be able to kiss his warm skin than the cold plastic of my phone as I scroll through his pictures. I'd rather smell the scent of his hair while I rock him in my arms instead of sniffing the clothes that he left behind that I still haven't washed - and will never wash. I'd rather wake up to his soft coo-ing than to the empty space in my bed. I'd rather rush home to see him when I get off of work than rush to the cemetery just to beat traffic.
Sometimes I just can't stop complaining. About how much this hurts. About how much I miss my son. But after all is said and done and I'm crying a river of tears in agony, I get down on my knees and I pray. The same God that I tend to blame for my suffering is the same God that I turn to for survival. He's the one that I need to comfort me, to give me hope, to ease my suffering. Every time I remind myself of the blessings that he has done for me and the clear directions from the Holy Spirit that were given to me, there is no way I can deny it. There is no way that Heavenly Father is punishing me. He does love me and I do trust Him that he will guide me as long as I continue to listen and obey and love Him. There is no greater motivation to get to Heaven than my son waiting for me. Until then, I will continue to live my life as Heavenly Father has planned. He knows I love my son. He knows I miss him. He is showing me how we can make our love for him last for eternity in a state of happiness in the highest kingdom of Heaven. Eternity with my son is worth the wait, it's worth the suffering in this temporal life. I will see him again.
I have been called as the Primary Secretary for our Ward and it has been such a blessing. Not only do I get to learn along with the children about the gospel and of Heavenly Father's love for us but I also get to keep an eye on Kekoa and learn so that I can teach him that our Savior lives.
Yesterday in church, we had a new missionary speak during sacrament. He referred to a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants that mentions that sometimes Heavenly Father has to break us down to our weakest points in order for us to become the people he wants us to be. I can say that that's what happened to my husband and I. We were hurting so much that no one on this earth could help us, so we turned to the higher power. And although it seemed true and relevant it did make me feel some anger. Like why did it have to be my son? Why was my son used to break me? Was I so bad before? I don't think I was. But I do believe that my husband and I were far from becoming active church members and going to seal our family in the temple. But geez, why did my son have to leave this world in order for Heavenly Father to get our attention? Those were the piercing thoughts that entered my brain. I do not like to think like that, to think against the Lord's intentions, but I guess it's the human in me that feels that way, it's the pain talking.
I find myself constantly asking Heavenly Father for His forgiveness for the things that I feel. Like the jealousy that I feel when I see other mother's with their babies and how full of love they are holding their little ones. The ache that I feel when I see the babies Wesley's age grow and learn to laugh and become stronger just like Wesley would if he was still here. The anger that I feel towards the parents that aren't spending time with their kids...like they don't know how lucky they are to have their kids on this earth with them. Life is not promised and we never know when it's going to end. There is no warning, there is no preparing for it...it must be cherished. I also find myself saying how this is not fair. It's not fair that my sons life was taken away and that he was literally taken from me. It's not fair that I took care of him better than other mother's and yet I feel I'm the one that got punished. These are the feelings that I ask forgiveness for. For the pride that I have, the anger and jealousy that I feel.
I also get jealous when people tell me "I can't even imagine what you're going through. I don't know what I would do." I wish I didn't know what this felt like. I WISH it wasn't happening to me. I wish I was in their shoes where they are unaware that this type of pain and suffering exists. I absolutely cannot stand it when people tell me that it happened to me because I'm strong enough, that I can handle it. I'm like NO I am NOT strong enough for this! I cry everyday...sometimes all day. Sometimes all I know how to do is breathe. I have to continue living my life because that's the only choice that I have! My world is frozen in time but in reality the world is still spinning just as fast as it was before. I get angry when people see how much my husband and have I changed for the better and how active we are in church and they basically say how it's a good thing that Wesley went to Heaven. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but it does hurt. I'd rather have my son here with me of course. I'd rather not have experienced burying my 3 month old baby. I'd rather be able to kiss his warm skin than the cold plastic of my phone as I scroll through his pictures. I'd rather smell the scent of his hair while I rock him in my arms instead of sniffing the clothes that he left behind that I still haven't washed - and will never wash. I'd rather wake up to his soft coo-ing than to the empty space in my bed. I'd rather rush home to see him when I get off of work than rush to the cemetery just to beat traffic.
Sometimes I just can't stop complaining. About how much this hurts. About how much I miss my son. But after all is said and done and I'm crying a river of tears in agony, I get down on my knees and I pray. The same God that I tend to blame for my suffering is the same God that I turn to for survival. He's the one that I need to comfort me, to give me hope, to ease my suffering. Every time I remind myself of the blessings that he has done for me and the clear directions from the Holy Spirit that were given to me, there is no way I can deny it. There is no way that Heavenly Father is punishing me. He does love me and I do trust Him that he will guide me as long as I continue to listen and obey and love Him. There is no greater motivation to get to Heaven than my son waiting for me. Until then, I will continue to live my life as Heavenly Father has planned. He knows I love my son. He knows I miss him. He is showing me how we can make our love for him last for eternity in a state of happiness in the highest kingdom of Heaven. Eternity with my son is worth the wait, it's worth the suffering in this temporal life. I will see him again.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Our Gift from God
It's been almost a month since my last post. I've been writing things down in my phone instead of my blog because it was too many steps to pull up my blog and write when I only had my phone to use. We have a computer now and I will be able to post more due to the convenience. And it became clear today how important it is for me to document my experience so that I may never forget this journey and each step forward --and backwards-- that I make in this journey to find peace in my life with the loss of my son, Wesley.
I will use this post to add the things that I have written in my phone during the past month. I will start from the earliest insert up to the most recent note that I wrote.
10/3/15 - This was a prayer I wrote on a group support forum through the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" App. It was in response to a mother who had lost her baby:
I am praying for you. For comfort, for strength, for the Spirit to be your companion always. To whisper guidance and direction to lead you back to our Heavenly Father. I lost my son a few weeks ago to SIDS. He was such a beautiful soul that lit up my life. When I realized he was in Heaven I knew I had to change my life so that I may one day be with him again. There are so very few comforts on this earth. One of them is family, including my 5 yr old son. The only true comfort I find is trusting Heavenly Father. We only see the picture that is right in front of us, God see's the whole picture. I know he has a plan for you and your family. If you have questions, pray to him with a sincere heart and I promise he will answer you. Just open your ears so that you may hear the Holy Spirit utter His response. Our babies are in Heaven. What better place is there? I know we want them here with us but I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that he is in a glorious kingdom in the highest heaven of all heavens. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. Continue to love. Love God. Love your family. The antidote for sorrow is love. I cry everyday and thats ok to feel sad. But once my tears dry up I thank Heavenly Father for my health and the health of my families and I say give my son a kiss for me and I keep moving. Mornings are hard for me because I wake up and realize my life is still going on even though my son isn't here anymore. But I just have to remember that God has a plan and I will be with my son again. His passing brought me closer to Heavenly Father and what a great gift it is. If I can find comfort in the Lord after losing my 3 month old baby boy then I have no doubts that you will find comfort too. Please reach out to me whenever you need to. God bless. Love, Alyssa.
10/5/15 - I was having a really hard day. I went to visit Wesley at his resting place and just talked to him for a couple of hours. The things I ended up saying to him brought me comfort and the ability to carry on with the rest of my day. Before I left I had to write down all of the things that I said to Wes so that I wouldn't forget it:
~Even greater mother now
~Daddy so strong, best daddy. Good man. Deserves good loving wife. I will be. I can say sorry more.
~Wes still brings me joy.
~Baths in heaven?
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| Wes loved bathtime <3 |
~Be kind to my parents.
~Be there for Kekoa i told wes i will.
~So lucky. So blessed to have had the opportunity to spend every day with him.
~God loves me. He knew what it would take for me to notice him and so glad I did. This feeling i will no longer miss out on. His love i will no longer take for granted.
~Pride got in the way. I always knew this was true church. [I wasn't] ready to give up "fun" stuff. But his blessing and this taste of happiness better than any substance.
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive.
~Feels good to talk to wes.
~Barrys mom. Help each other.
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good.
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction.
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween?
~Sorry i cried when casket went down. Just wanted to see and be apart of every moment with you just like i always have.
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him.
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive.
~Feels good to talk to wes.
~Barrys mom. Help each other.
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good.
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction.
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween?
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| Wesley's pumpkin |
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him.
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.
~Told wessy about me and daddy disagree about plots (I wanted to buy our graves already so we could have a spot close to Wes before someone else took them.) Bill wasn't ready and got upset that I kept pushing the idea on him when he has enough death on his mind. I disregarded his feelings because I wanted to buy them right away and didn't want to miss out on the promotion that they had for plots. So I also was upset with Bill because he couldn't understand how important it was to me. Then I just walked away and said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father what should I do...and immediately a quote from President Thomas S. Monson came to my mind: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." I will always remember this quote and this moment when my prayer was immediately answered. I apologized to my husband right away and realized that he needed my support more than I needed to buy the plots near my son. I felt so much better as soon as I let the problem that needed to be solved go.
~Help daddy (Bill) help our family. Be nice and loving. Being strong is not easy esp for your spouse. And he is doing it. Big respect. So thankful. Never been more thankful.
~Love is the answer.
10/7/15 - This was a post that I wrote on a support forum:
10/22/15 - This was after I saw a beautiful picture of my son on my husbands phone.
~Love is the answer.
10/7/15 - This was a post that I wrote on a support forum:
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| My cousin posted this picture and it brought me so much comfort because the baby Christ is holding looks just like Wesley! |
I lost my beautiful son, Wesley "Baby Wes", less than 3 wks ago on 9/14/15 at 3 months and 7 days from SIDS. We laid him to rest on 9/19 that Saturday. It was the hardest day/week/everything of my life. He was sleeping on his back when Heavenly Father called him back to Him. So SIDS can happen even when your baby is sleeping on his back. I cry everyday. I can only find peace and true comfort in God. I never had a close relationship with Him before but now I do and it's brought me the most comfort to pray for strength and to trust in Him. The moment I turned to God for comfort and guidance he immediately blessed me. I had the strength to prepare for my sons resting day. My family was so concerned that my husband and I were planning everything right away and didn't give ourselves"time" to grieve...but how we looked at it was that our beautiful son did not belong in an ice box. He needed to be laid to rest and as parents we still needed to take care of him FIRST even though his spirit was no longer with us. I have the rest of my life to grieve. Baby Wes needed to rest. For all my sisters who have gone through this heart wrenching experience all I can say is to pray to Heavenly Father for strength, comfort and guidance. He is a loving God. He knew I loved my son so much that I would follow His path. My son saved my soul. Because he left this world as perfect as he entered it I knew that he is in Heaven. So at 25 years old, I've dedicated my life to living by the iron rod and ensuring my place in heaven with my son. I may sound like a"jesus freak" but hey if i have found comfort in God after going thru the most painful experience any person can go thru--losing your baby--then I have no doubts that he can comfort you if you truly submit yourself to Him and ask him for strength. I can only imagine the comfort he will provide me for any future transgressions. I love my son. And the best advice I ever got was to let my sons short and sweet time here on earth to brighten my heart not break it. Its the mother in me that will always mourn the loss of my son. Its the child of God in me that will rejoice that he is the greatest land above all lands in the arms of our savior just waiting for me to get there. Its okay to cry until all the tears are gone and then you pick up where you left off. I am learning to not let myself go thru this alone. To reach out for help and to talk about it. I cry when no ones looking. And I hope you all find the strength to live happy and goodly lives. I pray everyday not only for myself but for all those who are also suffering that we may find comfort in the Lord and the assurance that families can be together forever. All my love, Amen.
10/12/15:
Mornings are a reminder that my life is still moving without him. The pain is so unbearable. It's like learning how to live your life with a part of you that's missing...and knowing you'll never be the same again. The worst part is the guilt...the helplessness i feel as a mother that I couldn't do anything to help him.
10/14/15 - I wrote this on the month anniversary of my son's passing at 3:26am. At 4am on September 14th was the last time I witnessed my son alive and so this was a very hard time for me. I was dreading this day because I didn't know how I was going to feel. I thought I was going to be fine but in fact this whole day, even after writing this, was so difficult and emotional:
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| Me holding Wesley at Omega Funeral Home in Portland 9/15/15 |
My sons been gone for a month. How did it come so fast. I feel like I was just looking into his big beautiful brown eyes that brightened up as he looked back at me. I was just holding him in my arms as he dozed off to sleep knowing mama is here keeping him safe and warm. I was just kissing the soft skin of his cheeks, his feet, his fingers and blowing on his growing belly. I was just starting to hear him learn to giggle...I was just telling him how handsome he is and that mommy loves him so much. I just wiped away his tears. I just gave him a warm soothing bath. I just fed him. I just put him to sleep with ease, something only I could do. And just like that, he was gone. Just like that, I buried my son. Just like that, a month has gone by and I'm still crying for him like I did the moment my worst fears became a reality. Just like that, my whole world changed and I lost a part of me. My heart will never be whole again. When I wake up to the morning sun it's just a reminder that my life is going on without him. Its a reminder that my dreams of this not being real was just a dream. My broken heart yearns to have my beautiful baby boy back in my arms. HE WAS JUST HERE!! Oh my little love...if you can hear me now...don't feel bad cuz mama misses you. Don't feel bad when mama is sad. Because the fact of it all son is that I'm gonna make it to you. Your light is what I will hold onto to guide me for the rest of my life. You've inspired me to be a better person Wes...to be the best mommy I can be. You mean the world, the universe and all of it's stars to me. You and your brother are my motivation.
10/22/15 - This was after I saw a beautiful picture of my son on my husbands phone.
It feels like a tease that my son was just here, someone who is very real and a huge part of my life, someone that my daily life revolved around, someone i love very much is not here anymore. Like poof he was gone. And I don't get how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him. When I see pictures of him, i'm not gonna lie, it pinches my heart a bit because pictures are all I have when I want to see his face. He's missing from my life. I will never be whole again. I still can't believe this is what my life consists of...this is the pain I'm going to be struggling with til the end of my days...my son is really gone. Words don't do him justice to describe how beautiful he was & how much joy he brought me. He was so perfect. I miss kissing his cheeks, his lips, his fingers, his tummy, his little happy feet...i miss the warmth of his round body against my chest...i miss his strong feet stomping on my lap from excitement as he discovered the strength in his legs...i miss his big beautiful brown eyes that shined with love and happiness every time he saw me looking right back at him...i miss his gorgeous smile that made my heart melt and the butterflies in my stomach giggle...i miss bathtime and watching him enjoy the warm water soothe him...and watch him kick and splash with wonder in his face...i miss breastfeeding him and comforting him with mother's milk that made his eyes slowly start to drift into dreamland. I miss being the only person that he wanted. I miss going to sleep to the sound of his breathing...and waking up to those same beautiful big brown eyes that I fell in love with as soon as they opened. I miss changing every wet and dirty diaper...all the sleepless nights that I never complained about...because he was worth it...he was more important than anything...his needs were my passion...he made me want to be the best mother I could be for him and his brother. He loved me unconditionally and I could see it in his face that he knew I loved him with all of my heart. He is and always will be my heart. Thats why I feel so empty. Because my heart is missing from my soul. My heart is in heaven and left me here to wait...to wait for the day where we reunite after I fulfill my purpose of why Im still here on this earth. In the meantime, it hurts. It hurts to miss him...ive never missed anyone or anything more than I miss my Wesley. I've never loved anyone or anything more either. I will always remember him perfectly. I will always long for him to be in my arms again...and I will always eagerly await the day I am with him in Heaven...because I promised him that I'd make it there. All of us will make it there. Im so proud of my little love...hes changed my life...hes brought me so much joy...made me more humble and thankful...taught me how to count my blessings instead of looking at what I don't have...he made it to Heaven. I couldn't be more proud. He accomplished the ultimate achievement. Something we all spend our whole lives trying to achieve. And he did it in 3 months and 7 days. I love you son. You're the best blessing I could have ever asked for and I couldn't be more proud of you. I just hope that I can make you proud in return and make it to the kingdom of Heaven to be together with our families in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father. In Jesus name, Amen.
Monday, October 12, 2015
10/12/15:
Mornings are a reminder that my life is still moving without him. The pain is so unbearable. It's like learning how to live your life with a part of you that's missing...and knowing you'll never be the same again. The worst part is the guilt...the helplessness i feel as a mother that I couldn't do anything to help him.
Friday, October 9, 2015
And then the night settles in and the silence makes the pain unbearable. Sleep is a temporary escape and waking up is a painful reminder of the new reality that my life is going on and he's not here. Man this hurts.
Even after all the comforts given to me of Heavenly Father's love, His promise of eternal salvation, my family here on earth, my husband, my son, a wonderful mother on this same journey that I finally met...after all these comforts-- I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I can still feel the infinite depth of its cavity. A void in my being that can never be whole once again. Its the inevitable that drains me. Its the truth that hollows my heart. What else is there to do...
The moment I turned to God's good graces he has blessed me. He knows I can't do this alone. Therefore he has shown me all the special people in my life to help me through this search for peace, for comfort, for strength and will power. People like my family, my church leaders and its members, my sister friends and a sister brought unto me through our mutual tragedies. Even after all these glorious blessings, yes, I can still feel the pain. There is no stronger love than a mother has for her child...there is no stronger pain than a mother feeling helpless unable to save her child from the grips of death. To lose him and be destined to spend all the remainder of earthly life without him. Oh yes this pain is burned into my soul. I know the fire will never cease.
But I do have faith and with faith comes hope. I know this is not the end. I know I will be with my baby once again in a beautiful Heaven where the fire will finally be extinguished and the memory of its burns non-existant. Until then, I will still feel the hurt. I will always be incomplete in this life. Yes I will learn how to live with this hole deep inside of me but I will never forget it. And right now, while the pain is so very raw to the flesh, I hurt tremendously.
Even after all the comforts given to me of Heavenly Father's love, His promise of eternal salvation, my family here on earth, my husband, my son, a wonderful mother on this same journey that I finally met...after all these comforts-- I can still feel the emptiness in my heart. I can still feel the infinite depth of its cavity. A void in my being that can never be whole once again. Its the inevitable that drains me. Its the truth that hollows my heart. What else is there to do...
The moment I turned to God's good graces he has blessed me. He knows I can't do this alone. Therefore he has shown me all the special people in my life to help me through this search for peace, for comfort, for strength and will power. People like my family, my church leaders and its members, my sister friends and a sister brought unto me through our mutual tragedies. Even after all these glorious blessings, yes, I can still feel the pain. There is no stronger love than a mother has for her child...there is no stronger pain than a mother feeling helpless unable to save her child from the grips of death. To lose him and be destined to spend all the remainder of earthly life without him. Oh yes this pain is burned into my soul. I know the fire will never cease.
But I do have faith and with faith comes hope. I know this is not the end. I know I will be with my baby once again in a beautiful Heaven where the fire will finally be extinguished and the memory of its burns non-existant. Until then, I will still feel the hurt. I will always be incomplete in this life. Yes I will learn how to live with this hole deep inside of me but I will never forget it. And right now, while the pain is so very raw to the flesh, I hurt tremendously.
Monday, October 5, 2015
3 weeks
Today marks 3 weeks without my son. Today was also the first time I was ever alone.
My name is Alyssa Sivaivai Sheffet. I have a husband, Bill Sheffet, and two beautiful sons: Kekoa Sivaivai who is 5 years old and Wesley Sheffet who went back to our Heavenly Father at 3 months and 7 days on September 14, 2015. A day I will never and could never forget.
Wesley was born June 7th, 2015 at 8:27pm at 19 inches and 8.7 lbs after 3 days in labor. My connection with Baby Wes was instant the moment he was placed in my arms as he took his first breaths. With my first born I was young and had some emotional challenges throughout my pregnancy due to a break up. I did not immediately bond with Kekoa but I did love him. I had to work towards that bond as I was a young, struggling, emotionally distressed single mother. Kekoa taught me how to be a mother and how to change my life as a mother. Bill soon after came into our lives and loved my son as his own. When I was pregnant with Wesley I had what is called, "2nd Child Syndrome." I thought how could I love another child as much as I love my son. So when Wesley was born all was silent in the background and all I could see was him. I fell so deeply in love with him the moment I felt his gentle body clinging to my chest as he took his first breath of air. Everyday from then on I always promised him I'd take good care of him and will love him forever. Although he was my 2nd son he gave me so many new experiences. The immediate connection was first. Then came the dedication of breastfeeding. I never went back to work and held him as much as I could.
From the moment we left the hospital Wesley never took a nap. He always stayed awake and only wanted to nurse. It was difficult to balance two young children during the hottest summer in Portland as well as daily activities including eating. Wesley took up all of my time and most of my attention. Kekoa was such a great big brother and adored Baby Wes. He never got jealous and always kept quiet if Wesley was sleeping even when I had to remind him several times that he was. Baby Wes was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was so proud to be the mother of two beautiful precious boys. Wes loved bath times and loved to sit up or stand and look at his surroundings. He was so alert and I always called him nosy because he would never stay in one position. The only way Wesley could go to sleep was if he was nursing and that was also the only way that he'd stay asleep too. He was up majority of the day but he would sleep through the nights as if he was catching up on his naps. I always told him stay perfect forever son, please don't grow up too fast. Who would have known that I would be eating those words for the rest of my life since the morning of Sept. 14th, 2015. To make it brief, because even in solitude I don't like to think about that day, Wesley took his last breath in his sleep. Literally, it was the worst day of my life. The day where your worst fears come to life, no plea to escape this condemnation of lifelong pain and everlasting grief. My beautiful baby left us to go to Heaven. To this day its still unreal. To this day I still am numb in some parts of my heart. It was shattered like glaas into a million pieces and would never be the same again. There was so much family around to support us and literally pick us off of the ground. Nobody knew what to say or do as my husband and I cried from our emptiness. In that moment of grief when everything was making me realize my son was truly gone, I knew I had to make it to heaven in order to see his beautiful face again. I knew I had to change my life and turn to God if I wanted to see my son again. He was ripped from my arms too soon. I couldn't even think about killing myself because then I'd truly abandon my son, both of them. Heaven was now my eternal goal and my number one priority. To live God worthy lives and raise our family in such a manner that we would have the assurity of eternal salvation together. It was only in this promise and the hope to see my son again that truly provided me comfort. Everything of this world tells me my son is gone, it is the substances not of this world that told me jts not over yet.
To be continued...
My name is Alyssa Sivaivai Sheffet. I have a husband, Bill Sheffet, and two beautiful sons: Kekoa Sivaivai who is 5 years old and Wesley Sheffet who went back to our Heavenly Father at 3 months and 7 days on September 14, 2015. A day I will never and could never forget.
Wesley was born June 7th, 2015 at 8:27pm at 19 inches and 8.7 lbs after 3 days in labor. My connection with Baby Wes was instant the moment he was placed in my arms as he took his first breaths. With my first born I was young and had some emotional challenges throughout my pregnancy due to a break up. I did not immediately bond with Kekoa but I did love him. I had to work towards that bond as I was a young, struggling, emotionally distressed single mother. Kekoa taught me how to be a mother and how to change my life as a mother. Bill soon after came into our lives and loved my son as his own. When I was pregnant with Wesley I had what is called, "2nd Child Syndrome." I thought how could I love another child as much as I love my son. So when Wesley was born all was silent in the background and all I could see was him. I fell so deeply in love with him the moment I felt his gentle body clinging to my chest as he took his first breath of air. Everyday from then on I always promised him I'd take good care of him and will love him forever. Although he was my 2nd son he gave me so many new experiences. The immediate connection was first. Then came the dedication of breastfeeding. I never went back to work and held him as much as I could.
From the moment we left the hospital Wesley never took a nap. He always stayed awake and only wanted to nurse. It was difficult to balance two young children during the hottest summer in Portland as well as daily activities including eating. Wesley took up all of my time and most of my attention. Kekoa was such a great big brother and adored Baby Wes. He never got jealous and always kept quiet if Wesley was sleeping even when I had to remind him several times that he was. Baby Wes was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I was so proud to be the mother of two beautiful precious boys. Wes loved bath times and loved to sit up or stand and look at his surroundings. He was so alert and I always called him nosy because he would never stay in one position. The only way Wesley could go to sleep was if he was nursing and that was also the only way that he'd stay asleep too. He was up majority of the day but he would sleep through the nights as if he was catching up on his naps. I always told him stay perfect forever son, please don't grow up too fast. Who would have known that I would be eating those words for the rest of my life since the morning of Sept. 14th, 2015. To make it brief, because even in solitude I don't like to think about that day, Wesley took his last breath in his sleep. Literally, it was the worst day of my life. The day where your worst fears come to life, no plea to escape this condemnation of lifelong pain and everlasting grief. My beautiful baby left us to go to Heaven. To this day its still unreal. To this day I still am numb in some parts of my heart. It was shattered like glaas into a million pieces and would never be the same again. There was so much family around to support us and literally pick us off of the ground. Nobody knew what to say or do as my husband and I cried from our emptiness. In that moment of grief when everything was making me realize my son was truly gone, I knew I had to make it to heaven in order to see his beautiful face again. I knew I had to change my life and turn to God if I wanted to see my son again. He was ripped from my arms too soon. I couldn't even think about killing myself because then I'd truly abandon my son, both of them. Heaven was now my eternal goal and my number one priority. To live God worthy lives and raise our family in such a manner that we would have the assurity of eternal salvation together. It was only in this promise and the hope to see my son again that truly provided me comfort. Everything of this world tells me my son is gone, it is the substances not of this world that told me jts not over yet.
To be continued...
10/5/15 - I was having a really hard day. I went to visit Wesley at his resting place and just talked to him for a couple of hours. The things I ended up saying to him brought me comfort and the ability to carry on with the rest of my day. Before I left I had to write down all of the things that I said to Wes so that I wouldn't forget it:
~"Heart must break for it to be healed. It's a sacrifice to our Lord."
~Even greater mother now
~Daddy so strong, best daddy. Good man. Deserves good loving wife. I will be. I can say sorry more.
~Wes still brings me joy.
~Baths in heaven?
~Hope to share this blessed feelings w family when I am ready to share and when they are ready to receive. Share by example.
~Be kind to my parents.
~Be there for Kekoa i told wes i will.
~So lucky. So blessed to have had the opportunity to spend every day with him.
~God loves me. He knew what it would take for me to notice him and so glad I did. This feeling i will no longer miss out on. His love i will no longer take for granted.
~Even greater mother now
~Daddy so strong, best daddy. Good man. Deserves good loving wife. I will be. I can say sorry more.
~Wes still brings me joy.
~Baths in heaven?
|
| Wes loved bathtime <3 |
~Be kind to my parents.
~Be there for Kekoa i told wes i will.
~So lucky. So blessed to have had the opportunity to spend every day with him.
~God loves me. He knew what it would take for me to notice him and so glad I did. This feeling i will no longer miss out on. His love i will no longer take for granted.
~Pride got in the way. I always knew this was true church. [I wasn't] ready to give up "fun" stuff. But his blessing and this taste of happiness better than any substance.
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive.
~Feels good to talk to wes.
~Barrys mom. Help each other.
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good.
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction.
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween?
~Sorry i cried when casket went down. Just wanted to see and be apart of every moment with you just like i always have.
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him.
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive.
~Feels good to talk to wes.
~Barrys mom. Help each other.
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good.
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction.
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween?
|
| Wesley's pumpkin |
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him.
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.
~Told wessy about me and daddy disagree about plots (I wanted to buy our graves already so we could have a spot close to Wes before someone else took them.) Bill wasn't ready and got upset that I kept pushing the idea on him when he has enough death on his mind. I disregarded his feelings because I wanted to buy them right away and didn't want to miss out on the promotion that they had for plots. So I also was upset with Bill because he couldn't understand how important it was to me. Then I just walked away and said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father what should I do...and immediately a quote from President Thomas S. Monson came to my mind: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." I will always remember this quote and this moment when my prayer was immediately answered. I apologized to my husband right away and realized that he needed my support more than I needed to buy the plots near my son. I felt so much better as soon as I let the problem that needed to be solved go.
~Help daddy (Bill) help our family. Be nice and loving. Being strong is not easy esp for your spouse. And he is doing it. Big respect. So thankful. Never been more thankful.
~Love is the answer.
~Love is the answer.
Perfectly Wesley
There are no words
That you or I can say
To describe this pain
To make it go away
There are no people
No one of this earth
That knows exactly how I feel
That knows exactly how I hurt
No medicine, no doctor or drug
Can heal a mother's heart
My child I can no longer hug
From this world did he depart
No air could satisfy my lungs
As my heart was strangled in my chest
Begging for this reality to be undone
Was like the sun rising from the west
Dark waters of disbelief filled my womb
And it consumed my body whole
Drowning within this darkened tomb
There was no reviving this soul
Emmersed in still black waters freezing
My blood slowed to its darkest blue
Lips once full like the lushest green
Now trembled in its faded hue
Behold a whisper divided this sea
Pierced it with a needle of light
"I know how you feel. Trust in me."
The words spoken of Jesus Christ
"Love me for I love you,"
His spirit so clearly said
"Follow me and I will guide you
Turn to me your head
"Open to me your ears,
Brighten for me your heart,
Trade my love for your twinkling tears
For I will make them into stars
"Sweet mother your lamb rests with me
In mine own arms he sleeps
I love him as you do, my child
I am the shepard to my sheep
"Trust in me for I do promise
My words proclaim my love
I will guide you to peace and solace
Eternity in my kingdom above."
I cried, "Father, my arms are empty."
He replied, "Daughter, you are not alone
Families can be together forever
And embrace eternally in my home."
These are the glorious words
The words that weakened my fears
That brightened up my broken heart
Like the stars made of my tears
He warmed my freezing fingertips
As I said I will follow thee
When comfort eased my shaking lips
God said, "That was Wesley."
Oh my son, my love be still
Thank you for showing me the way
Your purpose on earth fulfilled
The Lord will not lead me astray
Now there is but one word
Our Heavenly Father has made it so
He made you perfect as you entered
He knew you'd be perfect when you go
Our family will be perfectly eternal
Our father perfectly promised me
My son you are perfectly beautiful
You are Perfectly Wesley
For my son Wes
Love, Mommy
That you or I can say
To describe this pain
To make it go away
There are no people
No one of this earth
That knows exactly how I feel
That knows exactly how I hurt
No medicine, no doctor or drug
Can heal a mother's heart
My child I can no longer hug
From this world did he depart
No air could satisfy my lungs
As my heart was strangled in my chest
Begging for this reality to be undone
Was like the sun rising from the west
Dark waters of disbelief filled my womb
And it consumed my body whole
Drowning within this darkened tomb
There was no reviving this soul
Emmersed in still black waters freezing
My blood slowed to its darkest blue
Lips once full like the lushest green
Now trembled in its faded hue
Behold a whisper divided this sea
Pierced it with a needle of light
"I know how you feel. Trust in me."
The words spoken of Jesus Christ
"Love me for I love you,"
His spirit so clearly said
"Follow me and I will guide you
Turn to me your head
"Open to me your ears,
Brighten for me your heart,
Trade my love for your twinkling tears
For I will make them into stars
"Sweet mother your lamb rests with me
In mine own arms he sleeps
I love him as you do, my child
I am the shepard to my sheep
"Trust in me for I do promise
My words proclaim my love
I will guide you to peace and solace
Eternity in my kingdom above."
I cried, "Father, my arms are empty."
He replied, "Daughter, you are not alone
Families can be together forever
And embrace eternally in my home."
These are the glorious words
The words that weakened my fears
That brightened up my broken heart
Like the stars made of my tears
He warmed my freezing fingertips
As I said I will follow thee
When comfort eased my shaking lips
God said, "That was Wesley."
Oh my son, my love be still
Thank you for showing me the way
Your purpose on earth fulfilled
The Lord will not lead me astray
Now there is but one word
Our Heavenly Father has made it so
He made you perfect as you entered
He knew you'd be perfect when you go
Our family will be perfectly eternal
Our father perfectly promised me
My son you are perfectly beautiful
You are Perfectly Wesley
For my son Wes
Love, Mommy
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