I woke up and cried today. I really miss my son. I still can't believe he's gone. I still wake up every morning and have to endure my heart breaking once dreamland is no longer my whereabouts. But I still haven't dreamt of Wesley. I don't remember dreaming at all. It's like sleep lasts for a second and then I wake up and hours have passed and the real world is my nightmare.
The world looks so differently to me now. Sometimes I feel that life is standing in the way of me and my son. Like I have to continue living the rest of my life and then I will die. Honestly, I can't wait for that day. But I feel bad because life is a gift and I'm so focused on the after life and death. Ideally I'd like to be able to get through this endeavor and become the best person I can be and live the best life that I can. It's hard to do that and be that when you're a bereaved mother. As a mother your children are your world, your reason for existing. To have to live my life without one of my children is devastating. It's unbearable. It's all I can think about.
It's hard to focus on Kekoa. I want to channel all this mothering that I have left in me that was created for Wesley onto Kekoa. But it's hard. I know it sounds messed up but when I had Wesley, I always wanted him. When I was pregnant with Kekoa I was young, I wasn't ready to change my life, I didn't know how to change my life and I was very depressed. I didn't connect with him when I was pregnant. After I had him I tried to bond with him. But I was so caught up in my own world trying to find love for myself that I didn't know how to love Kekoa like a mother normally does. I used to be so jealous of all the pregnant moms that totally loved the person that was growing inside of them. I envied the undying love and sacrifice that they were able to make for their baby. It took awhile for me to connect with Kekoa on that level. In my dad's opinion I never sacrificed enough for Kekoa. Which always hurt me because I thought I was doing the best I could. My parents have helped me take care of Kekoa from Day 1 and my mom loved my son like I wish I could. So I've always felt that Kekoa was more of my parents child than mine. But I know Kekoa loves me more than anyone in this world. I see him crave my attention, my affection, my unconditional love, my presence. I just don't know how to genuinely give it to him. Don't get me wrong I love my son more than anything. I just loved Wesley differently...He needed me more and I wanted to give my all to him. It may sound pretty shitty on my part, but this blog is where I can be honest, and that's the truth.
When I was pregnant with Wesley I didn't know if it was possible for me to love another child like I do my son. But when Wesley was born...a whole new heart grew in my chest. It was the heart I've been waiting for. I finally understood the power of a mother's love. It was consuming my very existance and I was swimming in it. I understood how a mother could sacrifice anything and everything for my little cub. He was the most beautiful angel that ever came from Heaven. I never wanted to leave his side and I didn't. I never wanted to give up breastfeeding and I didn't. Even though I could never produce enough for the demand I still put him to the breast as much as possible. It was such a blessing to be able to provide for my baby. To be his source of nutrition, to be the lullaby that puts him to sleep, to be the warmth that comforted his little body. I barely asked my mom to watch him. If I went for a walk I mostly took him with me because I worried about him being away from me. He couldn't sleep without me. I didn't want him to stress out because he was so tired and couldn't sleep. Even my husband would rush me to get home from the store because he couldn't put Wesley to sleep. I extended my maternity leave for this very reason. I'm so glad I did. I'm so blessed that I didn't miss one day without my son. I've only been away from him for a few hours at the most when I went for a job interview for Horizon Airlines (which I got!).
I didn't fail to tell him everyday how much I loved him. I told him everyday I will always take care of him. He made me so happy, I've never felt such joy. It was so rewarding to do that he needed me to do for him because of the love that I got in return. His face would just light up with so much love when he saw me. He loved me even when my hair was a mess and dark circles under my eyes. I felt so loved.
So the day he was called back to Heaven it was the worst day of my life. I truly believe there's no greater pain than experiencing losing your child--your baby. It's infancy where your children need you the most. They can't do anything on your own. So it's hard not to feel like a failure when everyone says "You did everything right. You did everything you could do," yet I still couldn't save him. I can't even write about that day because I don't want to look back at this blog years later and remember the details. But I believe I will never forget anything about that day. It's hard to forget the worst day of your life. I spent weeks blocking it out. Every time it crept into my mind I physically had to shake it out of my head...I didn't want to crawl back into the dark place. I didn't want to remember my son that way. But honestly I feel I remember more about that day and the days after than the days that he was alive. When I think about that time it was suggested to me to think about the day he was born. I'll admit I've been forgetting to do that because I'm so stuck in my dark place that it just blocks out the best day of my life which was June 7th, 2015, his birth day.
I remember being so ready to give birth to him. I was so eager to see what he looked like. I delivered him naturally and it was the easiest birth ever. I didn't feel any pain. He just came right out after about 14 minutes of off and on pushing. I remember the nurses cheering me on saying "GO GO GO GO" LOL. They couldn't get the stirrups out so I just grabbed the back of my thighs and just pushed. As soon as he came out they put him right on my chest and I was so overwhelmed with joy. He was absolutely perfect. He was so warm and was gripping onto my chest...like he was waiting so long to hug me. That moment was priceless. I remember before they moved me to the recovery room I was walking around just minutes after giving birth and the nurses being so shocked at how well I was walking around like I didn't just push out a baby. I showered and put on my robe and had the most peaceful night ever. My life couldn't have gotten any better. I had my husband and my sons and surrounded with love...I was the happiest woman in the world.
It's memories like that that I will cherish for the rest of my life and carry with me into Heaven. I will always make sure my son's name is spoken and never forgotten. My kids will know of him as if he is with us...because he is and always will be. I hope that they will always visit him and their kids too.
I look forward to having more children and to take care of them just as I did Wesley. To raise them and Kekoa in the church. I want to be a better mother to Kekoa, to be the mother that he deserves. But I'm blessed to know that he knows he is loved. My parents and my family do a very good job of that. I don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me because he is. I'm thankful that my children chose me to be their mom. They're the sweetest angels to have ever blessed my life.
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