I have been called as the Primary Secretary for our Ward and it has been such a blessing. Not only do I get to learn along with the children about the gospel and of Heavenly Father's love for us but I also get to keep an eye on Kekoa and learn so that I can teach him that our Savior lives.
Yesterday in church, we had a new missionary speak during sacrament. He referred to a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants that mentions that sometimes Heavenly Father has to break us down to our weakest points in order for us to become the people he wants us to be. I can say that that's what happened to my husband and I. We were hurting so much that no one on this earth could help us, so we turned to the higher power. And although it seemed true and relevant it did make me feel some anger. Like why did it have to be my son? Why was my son used to break me? Was I so bad before? I don't think I was. But I do believe that my husband and I were far from becoming active church members and going to seal our family in the temple. But geez, why did my son have to leave this world in order for Heavenly Father to get our attention? Those were the piercing thoughts that entered my brain. I do not like to think like that, to think against the Lord's intentions, but I guess it's the human in me that feels that way, it's the pain talking.
I find myself constantly asking Heavenly Father for His forgiveness for the things that I feel. Like the jealousy that I feel when I see other mother's with their babies and how full of love they are holding their little ones. The ache that I feel when I see the babies Wesley's age grow and learn to laugh and become stronger just like Wesley would if he was still here. The anger that I feel towards the parents that aren't spending time with their kids...like they don't know how lucky they are to have their kids on this earth with them. Life is not promised and we never know when it's going to end. There is no warning, there is no preparing for it...it must be cherished. I also find myself saying how this is not fair. It's not fair that my sons life was taken away and that he was literally taken from me. It's not fair that I took care of him better than other mother's and yet I feel I'm the one that got punished. These are the feelings that I ask forgiveness for. For the pride that I have, the anger and jealousy that I feel.
I also get jealous when people tell me "I can't even imagine what you're going through. I don't know what I would do." I wish I didn't know what this felt like. I WISH it wasn't happening to me. I wish I was in their shoes where they are unaware that this type of pain and suffering exists. I absolutely cannot stand it when people tell me that it happened to me because I'm strong enough, that I can handle it. I'm like NO I am NOT strong enough for this! I cry everyday...sometimes all day. Sometimes all I know how to do is breathe. I have to continue living my life because that's the only choice that I have! My world is frozen in time but in reality the world is still spinning just as fast as it was before. I get angry when people see how much my husband and have I changed for the better and how active we are in church and they basically say how it's a good thing that Wesley went to Heaven. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but it does hurt. I'd rather have my son here with me of course. I'd rather not have experienced burying my 3 month old baby. I'd rather be able to kiss his warm skin than the cold plastic of my phone as I scroll through his pictures. I'd rather smell the scent of his hair while I rock him in my arms instead of sniffing the clothes that he left behind that I still haven't washed - and will never wash. I'd rather wake up to his soft coo-ing than to the empty space in my bed. I'd rather rush home to see him when I get off of work than rush to the cemetery just to beat traffic.
Sometimes I just can't stop complaining. About how much this hurts. About how much I miss my son. But after all is said and done and I'm crying a river of tears in agony, I get down on my knees and I pray. The same God that I tend to blame for my suffering is the same God that I turn to for survival. He's the one that I need to comfort me, to give me hope, to ease my suffering. Every time I remind myself of the blessings that he has done for me and the clear directions from the Holy Spirit that were given to me, there is no way I can deny it. There is no way that Heavenly Father is punishing me. He does love me and I do trust Him that he will guide me as long as I continue to listen and obey and love Him. There is no greater motivation to get to Heaven than my son waiting for me. Until then, I will continue to live my life as Heavenly Father has planned. He knows I love my son. He knows I miss him. He is showing me how we can make our love for him last for eternity in a state of happiness in the highest kingdom of Heaven. Eternity with my son is worth the wait, it's worth the suffering in this temporal life. I will see him again.
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