Our Gift from God

It's been almost a month since my last post. I've been writing things down in my phone instead of my blog because it was too many steps to pull up my blog and write when I only had my phone to use. We have a computer now and I will be able to post more due to the convenience. And it became clear today how important it is for me to document my experience so that I may never forget this journey and each step forward --and backwards-- that I make in this journey to find peace in my life with the loss of my son, Wesley.

I will use this post to add the things that I have written in my phone during the past month. I will start from the earliest insert up to the most recent note that I wrote.

10/3/15 - This was a prayer I wrote on a group support forum through the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" App. It was in response to a mother who had lost her baby:

I am praying for you. For comfort, for strength, for the Spirit to be your companion always. To whisper guidance and direction to lead you back to our Heavenly Father. I lost my son a few weeks ago to SIDS. He was such a beautiful soul that lit up my life. When I realized he was in Heaven I knew I had to change my life so that I may one day be with him again. There are so very few comforts on this earth. One of them is family, including my 5 yr old son. The only true comfort I find is trusting Heavenly Father. We only see the picture that is right in front of us, God see's the whole picture. I know he has a plan for you and your family. If you have questions, pray to him with a sincere heart and I promise he will answer you. Just open your ears so that you may hear the Holy Spirit utter His response. Our babies are in Heaven. What better place is there? I know we want them here with us but I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that he is in a glorious kingdom in the highest heaven of all heavens. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. Continue to love. Love God. Love your family. The antidote for sorrow is love. I cry everyday and thats ok to feel sad. But once my tears dry up I thank Heavenly Father for my health and the health of my families and I say give my son a kiss for me and I keep moving. Mornings are hard for me because I wake up and realize my life is still going on even though my son isn't here anymore. But I just have to remember that God has a plan and I will be with my son again. His passing brought me closer to Heavenly Father and what a great gift it is. If I can find comfort in the Lord after losing my 3 month old baby boy then I have no doubts that you will find comfort too. Please reach out to me whenever you need to. God bless. Love, Alyssa.

10/5/15 - I was having a really hard day. I went to visit Wesley at his resting place and just talked to him for a couple of hours. The things I ended up saying to him brought me comfort and the ability to carry on with the rest of my day. Before I left I had to write down all of the things that I said to Wes so that I wouldn't forget it:

~"Heart must break for it to be healed. It's a sacrifice to our Lord."
~Even greater mother now
~Daddy so strong, best daddy. Good man. Deserves good loving wife. I will be. I can say sorry more. 
~Wes still brings me joy. 
~Baths in heaven? 

Wes loved bathtime <3

~Hope to share this blessed feelings w family when I am ready to share and when they are ready to receive. Share by example. 
~Be kind to my parents. 
~Be there for Kekoa i told wes i will. 
~So lucky. So blessed to have had the opportunity to spend every day with him.
~God loves me. He knew what it would take for me to notice him and so glad I did. This feeling i will no longer miss out on. His love i will no longer take for granted. 

~Pride got in the way. I always knew this was true church. [I wasn't] ready to give up "fun" stuff. But his blessing and this taste of happiness better than any substance. 
~Love is so strong. So powerful. Moves mountains. Could drain oceans. Love created this world. God loved us and helped us flourish. Its not perfect but its impressive. 
~Feels good to talk to wes. 
~Barrys mom. Help each other. 
~Exercise. Hard to get up n going but fresh air and talking to wes got me motivated. Exercise will make me feel good. 
~[I am] No [longer] questioning gospel. Mind is so open. [I] Have questions but not questioning or looking for flaws. Did not need evidence. It was pointed to me this church. And i trust and i follow and he continues to lead and point me in direction. 
~Still hard to seperate spirit from body cuz thats how i remember u. But feels good to feel close [when I am visiting the cemetery.]
~Elephant pumpkin for Halloween? 

Wesley's pumpkin

~Sorry i cried when casket went down. Just wanted to see and be apart of every moment with you just like i always have. 
~[Lord, please] Help me feel spirit of wes. I dont want him to be alone i would never abandon. But he knows that. He knows i would never leave him. 
~Kekoa needs us. Kekoa prepared me for motherhood. And i loved him alot. But wow when wessy came everything was in the back of my mind and wessy was my beautiful love. Mothers love i understand.
~Understand so many things now. People say these things because it has happened. It does happen. Tragedy does happen. And god is always there.

~Told wessy about me and daddy disagree about plots (I wanted to buy our graves already so we could have a spot close to Wes before someone else took them.) Bill wasn't ready and got upset that I kept pushing the idea on him when he has enough death on his mind. I disregarded his feelings because I wanted to buy them right away and didn't want to miss out on the promotion that they had for plots. So I also was upset with Bill because he couldn't understand how important it was to me. Then I just walked away and said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father what should I do...and immediately a quote from President Thomas S. Monson came to my mind: "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."  I will always remember this quote and this moment when my prayer was immediately answered. I apologized to my husband right away and realized that he needed my support more than I needed to buy the plots near my son. I felt so much better as soon as I let the problem that needed to be solved go.

~Help daddy (Bill) help our family. Be nice and loving. Being strong is not easy esp for your spouse. And he is doing it. Big respect. So thankful. Never been more thankful. 
~Love is the answer.


10/7/15 - This was a post that I wrote on a support forum:

My cousin posted this picture and it brought me so much comfort because the baby Christ is holding looks just like Wesley!

I lost my beautiful son, Wesley "Baby Wes", less than 3 wks ago on 9/14/15 at 3 months and 7 days from SIDS. We laid him to rest on 9/19 that Saturday. It was the hardest day/week/everything of my life. He was sleeping on his back when Heavenly Father called him back to Him. So SIDS can happen even when your baby is sleeping on his back. I cry everyday. I can only find peace and true comfort in God. I never had a close relationship with Him before but now I do and it's brought me the most comfort to pray for strength and to trust in Him. The moment I turned to God for comfort and guidance he immediately blessed me. I had the strength to prepare for my sons resting day. My family was so concerned that my husband and I were planning everything right away and didn't give ourselves"time" to grieve...but how we looked at it was that our beautiful son did not belong in an ice box. He needed to be laid to rest and as parents we still needed to take care of him FIRST even though his spirit was no longer with us. I have the rest of my life to grieve. Baby Wes needed to rest. For all my sisters who have gone through this heart wrenching experience all I can say is to pray to Heavenly Father for strength, comfort and guidance. He is a loving God. He knew I loved my son so much that I would follow His path. My son saved my soul. Because he left this world as perfect as he entered it I knew that he is in Heaven. So at 25 years old, I've dedicated my life to living by the iron rod and ensuring my place in heaven with my son. I may sound like a"jesus freak" but hey if i have found comfort in God after going thru the most painful experience any person can go thru--losing your baby--then I have no doubts that he can comfort you if you truly submit yourself to Him and ask him for strength. I can only imagine the comfort he will provide me for any future transgressions. I love my son. And the best advice I ever got was to let my sons short and sweet time here on earth to brighten my heart not break it. Its the mother in me that will always mourn the loss of my son. Its the child of God in me that will rejoice that he is the greatest land above all lands in the arms of our savior just waiting for me to get there. Its okay to cry until all the tears are gone and then you pick up where you left off. I am learning to not let myself go thru this alone. To reach out for help and to talk about it. I cry when no ones looking. And I hope you all find the strength to live happy and goodly lives. I pray everyday not only for myself but for all those who are also suffering that we may find comfort in the Lord and the assurance that families can be together forever. All my love, Amen.

10/12/15:

Mornings are a reminder that my life is still moving without him. The pain is so unbearable. It's like learning how to live your life with a part of you that's missing...and knowing you'll never be the same again. The worst part is the guilt...the helplessness i feel as a mother that I couldn't do anything to help him.

10/14/15 - I wrote this on the month anniversary of my son's passing at 3:26am. At 4am on September 14th was the last time I witnessed my son alive and so this was a very hard time for me. I was dreading this day because I didn't know how I was going to feel. I thought I was going to be fine but in fact this whole day, even after writing this, was so difficult and emotional:

Me holding Wesley at Omega Funeral Home in Portland 9/15/15

My sons been gone for a month. How did it come so fast. I feel like I was just looking into his big beautiful brown eyes that brightened up as he looked back at me. I was just holding him in my arms as he dozed off to sleep knowing mama is here keeping him safe and warm. I was just kissing the soft skin of his cheeks, his feet, his fingers and blowing on his growing belly. I was just starting to hear him learn to giggle...I was just telling him how handsome he is and that mommy loves him so much. I just wiped away his tears. I just gave him a warm soothing bath. I just fed him. I just put him to sleep with ease, something only I could do. And just like that, he was gone. Just like that, I buried my son. Just like that, a month has gone by and I'm still crying for him like I did the moment my worst fears became a reality. Just like that, my whole world changed and I lost a part of me. My heart will never be whole again. When I wake up to the morning sun it's just a reminder that my life is going on without him. Its a reminder that my dreams of this not being real was just a dream. My broken heart yearns to have my beautiful baby boy back in my arms. HE WAS JUST HERE!! Oh my little love...if you can hear me now...don't feel bad cuz mama misses you. Don't feel bad when mama is sad. Because the fact of it all son is that I'm gonna make it to you. Your light is what I will hold onto to guide me for the rest of my life. You've inspired me to be a better person Wes...to be the best mommy I can be. You mean the world, the universe and all of it's stars to me. You and your brother are my motivation.

10/22/15 - This was after I saw a beautiful picture of my son on my husbands phone.

It feels like a tease that my son was just here, someone who is very real and a huge part of my life, someone that my daily life revolved around, someone i love very much is not here anymore. Like poof he was gone. And I don't get how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him. When I see pictures of him, i'm not gonna lie, it pinches my heart a bit because pictures are all I have when I want to see his face. He's missing from my life. I will never be whole again. I still can't believe this is what my life consists of...this is the pain I'm going to be struggling with til the end of my days...my son is really gone. Words don't do him justice to describe how beautiful he was & how much joy he brought me. He was so perfect. I miss kissing his cheeks, his lips, his fingers, his tummy, his little happy feet...i miss the warmth of his round body against my chest...i miss his strong feet stomping on my lap from excitement as he discovered the strength in his legs...i miss his big beautiful brown eyes that shined with love and happiness every time he saw me looking right back at him...i miss his gorgeous smile that made my heart melt and the butterflies in my stomach giggle...i miss bathtime and watching him enjoy the warm water soothe him...and watch him kick and splash with wonder in his face...i miss breastfeeding him and comforting him with mother's milk that made his eyes slowly start to drift into dreamland. I miss being the only person that he wanted. I miss going to sleep to the sound of his breathing...and waking up to those same beautiful big brown eyes that I fell in love with as soon as they opened. I miss changing every wet and dirty diaper...all the sleepless nights that I never complained about...because he was worth it...he was more important than anything...his needs were my passion...he made me want to be the best mother I could be for him and his brother. He loved me unconditionally and I could see it in his face that he knew I loved him with all of my heart. He is and always will be my heart. Thats why I feel so empty. Because my heart is missing from my soul. My heart is in heaven and left me here to wait...to wait for the day where we reunite after I fulfill my purpose of why Im still here on this earth. In the meantime, it hurts. It hurts to miss him...ive never missed anyone or anything more than I miss my Wesley. I've never loved anyone or anything more either. I will always remember him perfectly. I will always long for him to be in my arms again...and I will always eagerly await the day I am with him in Heaven...because I promised him that I'd make it there. All of us will make it there. Im so proud of my little love...hes changed my life...hes brought me so much joy...made me more humble and thankful...taught me how to count my blessings instead of looking at what I don't have...he made it to Heaven. I couldn't be more proud. He accomplished the ultimate achievement. Something we all spend our whole lives trying to achieve. And he did it in 3 months and 7 days. I love you son. You're the best blessing I could have ever asked for and I couldn't be more proud of you. I just hope that I can make you proud in return and make it to the kingdom of Heaven to be together with our families in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father. In Jesus name, Amen.