So something pretty amazing happened today. I went to visit Wesley at the cemetery, something I do everyday. I always go because for all of my son's life from the moment of conception to the moment he took his last breath I was always with him. I always want to feel close to him and going to cemetery helps me feel that. People always tell me his spirit is always with me and I don't have to go to the cemetery everyday but I do have to go. I have to go for my own sanity. It helps me start my day by knowing I was there for Wesley. I can't begin my day until Wesley knows I am there, he is not alone. The cemetery feels so peaceful to me and I feel normal there. Nobody feels sorry for me there, I don't have to put on a smiling face for everyone to see that I'm okay, I can cry and not feel guilty about it, I can be free. Be free to be me and be true to how I feel.
Well, today I went to go see Wes. I laid out my mat right next to him like I always do and I kneeled down to kiss his temporary marker, like I always do. I kiss it right on the music symbols that we picked out for the border of his marker. "Music Made Us" is what I always said. My husband and I started dating while we were in a band together. If it wasn't for music we would have never have fell in love, got married and built our family. I always wipe the rain and leaves off of his little temporary marker made of marble. I always trace the engraving of his name..."Wesley Kalamafoni-Sivaivai Sheffet"...such a beautiful name. As I sit there I try to tell Wesley about my day..,sometimes it's a good day and sometimes it's a hard day. Sometimes I just don't say anything, I just want to be near him. Sometimes I fall asleep there. I know it may seem weird but I feel so comfortable there that I can sleep next to my son. I'm usually at the cemetery for a couple of hours, sometimes more. Today I could only stay for a little less than an hour because I had planned to pick up my mom from work. As I was sitting next to my son, staring at the grass that started to brown, I started to get cold. It's usually pretty windy up at Finley Sunset Hills but I normally don't mind. Sometimes I'm so numb that the cold doesn't bother me. Today I was pretty cold and it was the beginning of November in the pacific northwest. A part of me wanted to get up and go back into my car, but a huge part of me told me to stand against the cold...that nothing can keep me from being with my son. I've tried not going to the cemetery but sometimes I can't handle it, I have to be with my son. Sometimes I feel guilty if I don't go because I don't want my son to be alone and I don't want to abandon him. So, no matter the hour, if I haven't gone yet to see my son, I will go. The latest I have gone there was about 10pm until about 1am.
I knew it was getting close to the time I had to leave to get my mom and also it was getting really really cold. With guilt starting to fill my throat I began to talk to my son. I asked him if he wanted me to continue to come there everyday...and I said if not please let me know that you're with me. Let me know that you're okay if I don't come to your grave...I don't know how to feel close to you if I'm not here next to you...please let me know you're with me even when I'm not here. Then I closed my visit with a prayer, like I always do, gave my son's stone another kiss, put my head to the grass to talk to my son through the ground and tell him I love him, then I rolled up my mat and started the long drive home.
I drove home in silence, traffic was pretty bad but I didn't mind. My dad had told me he was going to pick up my mom so then I went straight home and decided to get some sleep for work later on that night. When I parked my car at home I pulled up my Facebook and got a notification that my friend Emi had tagged me in a post. When I clicked on it I saw a video from youtube of a woman singing a song called A Thousand Winds. Her post said that this song made her think of me and that she was praying for my family and I. "How sweet.." I thought to myself. I couldn't hear the lyrics of the song because it was a live version so I looked up the song online. The lyrics popped up and it turned out that it was a poem...when I read it, tears started to fill my eyes. It's like my son was talking to me:
It was amazing. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the most perfect poem. I truly believe it was my son's way of speaking to me and Heavenly Father had made it so. I was in such awe of it all. It was moments like this where I told myself there is no denying it, God is real and He does love me. The other day one of the missionaries told me "God doesn't do random." and I believe it with all my heart to be true. He continues to answer my prayers so literally and clearly. I quickly commented on the video my friend posted and told her what I had said to my son at the cemetery and how her poem had come at the perfect time. She immediately responded.
She said that she originally knew this poem from 10 years ago in japanese and today she just couldn't stop thinking about it. She had to drop everything she was doing and find an english version and send it to me. I'm so glad she did. I believe Heavenly Father used her to comfort me. I believe was my son was sending me a message through her. I feel so incredibly blessed to have had this experience. I will remember it forever along with this poem. Thank you to my dear friend Emi who had the spirit guide her to help comfort me. Thank you to Heavenly Father for hearing me and knowing my heart. Thank you Wesley for being with mommy where ever I go. I will try my best to disconnect your spirit from the cemetery. I will try my best to not feel guilty if I do not go. I will remind myself with this poem. I still will go to the cemetery but it will be more because it's my place of solitude and peace...a place that you and I will share together. I may be visiting you, but I hope and pray that it's you who will be visiting me. I love you, Wesley. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment